Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Everything Nice Has a Crafted Satin Finish

Irony he means sarcasm is a terrible companion on Valentine's Day,
so I tried to make an artificial vagina out of stuff in the refrigerator.

Soft feminine shoulders, long, thin arms with graceful hands:
it brought to mind the down of a swan or the wing of a dove.

And when you're young and you pretty yourself up
everything up in Alcatraz means getting your ass fucked.

If I were a nightingale I would vomit like a nightingale.
Love, transfiguration, having sex in the form of a goose,

bonobos engaging in highly promiscuous mutual masturbation--
that is a fantastic nightlife.

The myth of Leda does not make a huge amount of sense
to girls found lying unconscious covered in their own spit.

Thin vomit comes out, the color of tea.
These changes are seen in Sylvia Plath's vagina.

As opposed to "jish," the word she said she would use for pussy
if we had salient evidence supporting the theory was "transgression."

Let swine squelch in the slough
and let only surrealism, Texas, and Rick James matter.

The alcohol from novelty thermometer earrings may result in death.
Burning the lower back/ass of your lover with a scalding hot

crack pipe while doing it: that seems a valid constraint in this
post-avant-avant-post world.


F.J. Bergmann said...

Dear Mainstream Poetry,
I suspect that I am wasting precious time, sweet time, trying to post comments on your oh-so-delightful, long-overdue, rose-covered, thatched-with-goat-hair website, because the function appears to be disabled. I mean, who could resist making supportive statements about your perky treatment of Paul Wolfowitz or "The Passion of the Christ"? And while I have nothing against Ted Kooser (possibly the result of a deficient understanding), I thought your article and parody was hilarious. Anyway, thanks for caring enough about mainstream poetry to make it part of your comtemplative essays on amateur gynecology.

F.J. Bergmann

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Anonymous said...

Bush goes ballistic about other countries being evil and dangerous, because they have weapons of mass destruction. But, he insists on building up even a more deadly supply of nuclear arms right here in the US. What do you think? How does that work in a democracy again? How does being more threatening make us more likeable?Isn't
the country with the most weapons the biggest threat to the rest of the world? When one country is the biggest threat to the rest of the world, isn't that likely to be the most hated country?
If ever there was ever a time in our nation's history that called for a change, this is it!
The more people that the government puts in jails, the safer we are told to think we are. The real terrorists are wherever they are, but they aren't living in a country with bars on the windows. We are.

Anonymous said...

OpenSource Vagina: A Lubricant-Free, Mess-Free Design for Humans
(Version 1.0.20070609)

The priorities of this project were, in order:
-Simulating the sensation of a vagina without the use of fluid lubricants (fluids require too much cleanup, and cause fermentation issues)
-Ease and speed of cleanup, reloading, and general maintenance
-Mess containment
-Simplicity and economy of construction
-One size fits almost all
-Minimal size

What were not priorities:
- Simulating the appearance of a vagina.

-9" length of 2" diameter PVC tubing
-Slip cap for 2" diameter PVC tubing
-2 x 6"x12" slippery smooth flat nylon fabric
-14" of 4" width elastic ACE Bandage (NOT self-sticking variety)
-4 safety pins
-Rubber band

-Hand saw

Saw two parallel 5" slits opposite each other on one end of the tubing. Use sandpaper to remove all rough edges.

-Cut the 14" length of elastic bandage in half (so you have two 7" pieces)
-Fold one of the above 7" pieces in half, make in to a tube by safety-pinning top and bottom together anywhere between 2.5" and 3" from fold, depending on how tight you want it to feel
-Repeat above step for other 7" piece
-Slide a portion of each of the elastic bandage tubes it's full length (4") down the slit, on opposite sides from each other. The remaining portion of each elastic tube will naturally go around its half of the outside of the PVC tube
-Fold to double-thickness each of the 12" slippery nylon fabrics, then slide the folded ends 4.5" down the two slits BETWEEN the elastic bandages
-At the opening of the Artificial Vagina, pull the excess nylon fabric over to their respective sides (to get them out of the way). A rubber-band around the PVC tubing should keep the fabric from flopping around
-Check (with your fingers or any broomstick like appendage) that there really is a clear path straight-through the vagina and all the way down through the PVC tubing
-Fill the slip cap with toilet paper, and slide it gently on the far end of the tube

After use, prop the tube upright on the slip cap to allow drainage to the tissue. In a few minutes, take off the slip-cap, throw away the tissue, and either let it dry or just reload the cap with tissue for immediate reuse.

-It can greatly enhance sensation to put a thin spongy or fluffy material in the space between the elastic bandage and the inside of the PVC tube. This is because adds a compression squeeze to the tension squeeze afforded by the the bandage. Try it first with only one side
-Consider making two or three Artificial Vaginas to have ready in case one requires drying-out time
-Baby powder or corn starch can reduce friction in the artificial vagina
-Try different fabrics for sensation. Teflon, for instance, might be ideal in moisture repellance and friction. The main issues is how they deal with moisture; nylon tends to get a very high friction component when wet, ruining sensation. ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials
-Try coatings for the fabric, spray-on (like silicon spray), powder (graphite), or soaked (hair conditioners). ALWAYS be sure to avoid toxic materials

Anonymous said...

You guy see that beanbag floor chair with an build-in artificial vagina? Says you must douche beanbag every once in a week while, or it becomes really really foul item!


Appearances you get the beanbag with a vagina, then some curtains with the hanging boobs, and it says you haven't to leave the house for bars and latrines anymore, you just lounge around the living room, with wiggling and constance smooching - for years!


But on this toaster idea of you, it frightens me a lot, because I try it after rereading you suggestions here Päck!

I say "Don't try it!!!!" and "Please" Because I hope you didn't like you said for I do to for you. Really, hurts, it REALLY really. Than orange part is especially an devil. Puck! One, too, three, then all the lights went out in my hut. Then I not notice my friends come over, and was sleepy and felt nuts. When I waken-up, the fun was very over. And I left me like an lamb on lost a long side of hairless wrinkled hills.

This thing had once worked until fine that instance|

None plug for it, so we are hoping creator doesn't decide to audition a plug to put in annus, or over hair. Not put one in with that orange wire! No, no NO! No please! no no no no - very very much thanks!

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Anonymous said...

رئيسية الموقع :
مصر اليوم
اهلا بكم , اضع لكم موقعى لتتطلعوا عليه , منتديات مصر اليوم هى منتديات عامة تهتم بالكثير من الاشياء المصرية , شاهد اقسام المنتدى
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