Monday, February 23, 2004

Free Ralph Nader Rectal Thermometer!

Ralph Nader went up twenty points of
banned substances: Lipton Cup o' Urine,
Richard Simmons' Guide to the US Men's
Swim Team, The Javelin Rectal Thermometer.

Ralph Nader actually wants to win
the Presidency and as you read it you will
notice in small print the statement that "every
rectal thermometer made by low-maintenance

perennials is Tamara's little sex secret, cleverly
believing there is a road by the evil tire, or a
big muscle guy (title is actually a picture),
great balls of Ralph Nader rectal thermometer sandwich.

Think it's by accident? Think again, thermometer breath!
Even "Great Balls of Ralph Nader" doesn't
overstay its welcome. Joke Of The Month 2001?--
"Collect call from a chink." Ralph Nader: chickens

are misled into preparing to endorse a check.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer
and a rectal thermometer? RALPH NADER.
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

The Guy's Guide to Chick Drinks

Dinosaur vomit discovered in quarry, in mud,
hayseeds in unwashed hair, dungstain of years
under fingernails, vomit, weasel-piss ... And another thing:
I'm gone off the idea of monkey-gland injections.

This my Land. The Bikini Remover is just
a short step, after all, from the Monkey Gland celebration
of vomit. But it somehow reminded one of those
Swiss monkey-gland clinics or, much more often,

a computer; from ?boot?, collegiate slang for ?FREDDY
Take him away to vomit: a) either in the sink,

if he only drank himself a small "Monkey's Gland",
kept for special occasions. It was hot: Good Morning,
Cruel World! They're so charming I want to vomit,
though perhaps it's just the wine ... and-rolls-for-$20,

the Cheez Wiz burger, the monkey burger and
monkey gland sauce, and in general, nickel-and-dime
people to death so often it makes me want
to vomit, that with his money he can afford the best

goat and monkey gland treatments in her widow's peak.
Her lips I've kissed, her glove of bones at her wrist,
that I have held in my hand, her Spanish fly
and her monkey gland. Her Godly History of the Baggots.

I noticed a small stall where an educated woman
was serving freshly brewed fake vomit. How could one
vibrating thing give so much monkey gland sauce
after the grilled steak and the tin bucket?

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Houston, We Have a Clam Problem

Shaved and contorted and poured over fences
cables from the Power pole....
flush air-conditioning through cracks
sloe-gins its way through teasel


New England Clam Chowder--Thick!

Save It for the Clam

Low Frequency Transmitter Site is Clam Lake,
Wisconsin. Our facility is staffed by two

Highly trained security professionals, whose work
on the equipment and antenna system maintains
the antenna right-of-way

Fresh Maine Seafood Systems
with Tahiti Joe's XXX hot pepper sauce--
Make it a "Na Koho Night" tonight

Not saying to turn your head the other way
   but simply telling yourself to say out loud:
"I think I have a clam problem."

Spastic Hooky on the Clamway

Butt sex w/ Snappy the Clam--
Government drops Scripps. Watch Clam Feet
Elongate Far From Shell: "How bout a 1-Way, Clam???"

"How bout a 1-Way Clam???" Ok, granted, not much response.
Nobody reads poetry anyway and I
can now see why. In my Vintage Tonka State,
The mobile Clam runs an English Dept.
Parses "Clam Nightmares" into Quoddy Way Cartoons,
clam spooge pearly, left as "evidence"

Wife ordered me to stop blogging--"feed your spirit,
stories that inspire cultural creatives. You know: 'Clam
Chowder for the Soul.' What am I to you,
a complex carbohydrate, pearled
in the Aluminum Shell of the self?"

Clam mask, surf clam, 3" Clam Knives...

The method requires that you know a little about Unix commands
and working from a unix prompt (like "clam 69")

And by the way, clam culture, as it happens
Is ruled by this bitchy little number called "Snappy
the Clam."

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

"god is my quahog i shall not glurp"

god is my quahog i shall not glurp
he maketh me to squunch down in shallow mud
he leadeth me in sulphurated tidepools
he raketh my bounty.

Booby Clambake

We love you hypnotic clambake,
no tweeter-step.
Fuel for the road, lochs of dread or midnight rider.
Boob job kinda miffed that I told this guy about OT 3 and Xenu,
but as I pointed out, it's in the papers and on the boob tube now.
Mood: just beachy playing Clambake.
Elvis I don't need to win the battle,
I just need to know I have been...
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
Check out Operation Clambake for more information on this dangerous and very silly cult.
Survivor Slut Sarah does a little boob jiggle
that measures its pleasure by the output of a boob tube glowing.
Gelant facilties gravamen,
Cruz nationality quantal doorframe microbiologic.
Rinascimento macrame quintero says
"clambake reappraisal divinity vassal!"
And Elvis' half brother is DAMN ugly,
and yea there was ass-slapping, boob-grabbing, and
helpful evidence to show that Elvis is not only
a caring healer but also a big, sexist boob.
A bolo a boma a bonanza a bone a bong a bonne a bonsai a boob a boor.
A clack a cladoceran a cladode a claim a claimant a claimer
a clam a clambake a clamor or The Inner Secrets Of Scientology.
Fred Durst has a tattoo of Kurt Cobain and Elvis Presley on his man-boob!
Bonitos bonjour bonnier bonniest bonny bonsai bonuses boob boobies booboo.
Then I look over and your boob was hitting me upside the ear.
Tibben flatzen bat pabootie hut clambake.
Blatz claim claimable claimant claimer clairvoyance clairvoyant clam.
Clambake clamber clamberer...
Hey, Mulder, we thought we'd have a bonfire and clambake tonight!
Sitting on a Clambake-waiting for the MAN to come.
Come animalizing the unreasonable,
patching scallop concionator hypocritic
Milk hunter saddening esotericism’s potshard and clambake.
World of Wendy Whoppers,
a veritable bomb squad detail bone detector
disencumbers slobbered paroccipital commonalty complacent.
Camera obscura and hydrocaulus bangbus movies
palaeo diaphoresis clambake, pattened after the bangbus!
So grab your dinghy and get ready for the ultimate clambake!

Clam a Trois

He lay back on the pillows, rubbed his
hand over his face. His beard was scratchy,
he throat was dry, he skin clammy. Fuck,
he felt like he was getting sick.

Clammy. Fuck. Ellyn closed her eyes
for a second, but when she opened
them she said softly, you can just call me
Gabi's Poker Door. I was all shaky and

clammy. Fuck only knew what he had
in store for me and to say I was apprehensive
is a ridden little fuckin pig fucker.... Pillsbury
doughboy lookin fat bastard dirty clammy fuck.

You make me sick as a matter of vast understatement.