Thursday, December 22, 2005

Have Yourself a Merry Little Pissmas

Merry Pissmas! Merry Dismiss! F**king liberals.
How about “We wish you a Hissy Fitness”?
I’m Cold Johnny. Well like most places, there was

A Christmas party at my job. No big deal, the problem
Is I drank too much and an honest man has nothing
To fear: beer: I'm on it dawg! So Merry Pissmas

And a happy new beer! BRING IT ON! The cleaners
They all work in vain, the shithouse poet strikes again!
ROCK ON! I'm sure the Texas audience would.

Merry Hissmas! Merry Pissmas! Merry Dismiss!
F**king liberalsi'm.. I’m not shy I'm just pissed
He’s pissed and shy. Yes, I was so numb that I

Unknowingly gave myself a golden shower.
Merry Pissmas!!! We did a Secret Santa gift exchange
On another message board I visit, so I'll be

Getting a gift from some random person too.
Merry Pissmas, assholes. I’m gonna take your momma out
Tonight, gonna show her what girls wet their pants

On Christmas Eve for charity, meandering
Across the streets; steam rose out of gutters as
Fast as bums fell into them. Vomit stained the sides

Of buildings. And to all a good Blight. Hearts frozen,
Soil sod, once more. It’s an odd little recording.
Here’s the play-by-play: may it be as wet and smelly

As you would wish it to be...Oh grumpy bear, have some
Christmas spirit, as if you snuck down their chimney, ate their cookies
And pissed on the tree applejack –– WITH THE NAUGHTY ELVES !

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Happy Spanksgiving

[A holiday classic from the flarf vaults...]

(Spank). Whether you spank for pleasure or
punishment, or both as situations warrant, I
wish you all a Happy Spanksgiving season.

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Too many carbohydrates in Italy ... Jamaica it is!
I'm thankful for big spoons and floors!

Spank hard ... spank safe!

What better place to spend an Autumn weekend
but in a lingeree drawer. Happy Spanksgiving.
You are repressed but you're remarkably dressed is it real?

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Typical. I do all the work and the “King” gets
the credit. Happy Spanksgiving! Two In the
Moonlight, Ack! Antelope! I could use a breath mint.

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Personality and I are finally getting along.
Happy belated Spanksgiving to all by the way!
I had a nice time in michigan ... sunny....

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Wrestling last night with the thought of upcoming
Spanksgiving and the dramas throughout the years
that have got to be my shiner-heaven! hoo-Ray!

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Strokers! Get ready for the fuckfeast –– Snap up
a batch of man gravy and pour it all over our
Starlets' frisky biscuits! Have I found the other side???

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Now Ride! By now a lot of people are showing
up for their holiday weekend in the desert. A large
contingent at the retail store for "Leather Happy Hour."

Spank hard ... spank safe!

The only Turkeys I'll be seeing this Spanksgiving are my dear
friends Brook, Katie and Baby Richy. I was very happy
to help them mark this moment in their family's growth.

Spank hard ... spank safe!

We got lots more smut in store for you all month long!
(And on a school night, nonetheless!) I had to kill
them to make them happy or some shit.

Spank hard ... spank safe!

A ball, peeking out from behind rows and rows
of empty happy meal boxes ... know what the hell
they are doing :) Oh and everyone have a SpanksGiving!!!!!

Spank hard ... spank safe!

As the sun warmed the sleepy canyon, our happy-dappy
little camp began to stir . Something that'll make a cat
happy? A wonderful day of spanking and sucking!

Spank hard ... spank safe!

Lists make me happy. ... my vietnam [Nov 21,
12.06am] spanksgiving this week = less time at work
and more time being a weirdo = yay!

Spank hard ... spank safe!

A very fine woman I used to know down a few
times guy-style in our new deluxe supersize happy
tub and Sternum in the bathroom the other day.

Spank hard ... spank safe!

I'm still catching my breath as I take my seat,
happy that sixty seconds of effort just was another
raging success. So tomorrow's the yankee spanksgiving.

Spank hard ... spank safe!

And have a Happy Spanksgiving y'all!!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

All Things Considered, October 19, 2005

When Ted Kooser sits down to write a poem early each morning, he knows that his chances of living until the end of the day are low and that it's highly unlikely he'll find where he put his goddamn glasses.

"I've got an armchair Marxist down in the living room and I spill a boiling cup of coffee on his crotch every day and spend the rest of the day writing poems about him suing me for it," he says. "He gets SO angry--it's great--and I just sit there under the giant Jello floor samples early in the morning and work and see what happens. Nine days out of 10, nothing good comes of it at all. Maybe on the tenth day, if I'm lucky, some scary tiny alien thing will embed itself in my face and I will start a poem."

Some of those poems, written in Kooser's home in rural Nebraska, turn out to about petting "cute" ICBMs that have attained self-awareness. Kooser is in his second year as the nation's poet laureate of Midwestern Nuclear Devices From The Reagan Administration with deteriorating cognitive function, and won the Pulitzer Prize this spring.

"I feel that I'm really fortunate if, at the end of a year, after writing every day, I have one or two poems that make my mind feel like it's being sucked though a hole punched into the fabric of the time and space," he says. "That's plenty--and, trust me, I print them out in a REALLY big font. I don't have great expectations for what happens in those morning sessions. But, you know, poems can be forwarded without your knowledge, and in some cases, your poem can be sent to the wrong person. Either way, what you thought was private is not private anymore, it's public."

Kooser grew up in Detroit, MI, where he read poetry in Thad Jones' big band and then moved to Lincoln, Neb., for graduate school in poetry, and to "get a little distance" from the "glimmering sky-incubus things."

He worked for life insurance companies for 35 years as an underwear model, and an executive. He'd write poems about the faces staring at him from the dawn, while totally naked, dripping wet.

Six years ago he retired. But at age 66, there's still time to fill his day with writing and underwear modeling.

The business of being poet laureate has him traveling the country to conduct workshops and reading ancient magical curses to broaden public fear of and indifference to the art of poetry. He's started a free weekly column for newspapers that introduces works written by contemporary American CEOs and millionaires with controlling interests in various insurance companies and defense contractors.

Over the course of this next year, NPR will have more conversations with Kooser about the craft and the pleasures of poetry.

Read some excerpts of Ted Kooser's poetry:

What once was meant to be a statement--
a dripping flagellum held in the face
of a shuddering bruise
is now named Spot
where vanity was once a prune that hit him twice
and the acne lingered on. He looks like
someone you had to retch on,
dancing with Sylvester Stallone, fast and bulbous,
but on this chilly morning, as he walks
between the ass faces in Race War, MA
with the sleeves of his tight black KISS T-shirt
rolled up to show us who he pounds,
he is only another Alphaville Computer, picking up
hot chicks, reciting beautiful, evil poems
and putting them back on the shelf
like pain relievers filled with poison

From Delights & Shadows, published by Copper Canyon Press, 2004, and used here by permission of the author.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Another Short Speech to My Friends

Excuse me for being a buttinski, but the "pastor"
Specializing in African primates, who believes
That lack of research on the impact of tourism
On gorillas means Joann underwent her first above-
The-knee amputation as a result of Vampires,
Mummies, etc. needs to be fully informed
If he is going to "preach" on a topic.

Hopefully England (based on the series of
Made-for-TV movies about free bandwith )
Will tell this officious Roscoe P. Coltrane
To shove it where the Sun don't shine. Which is
Almost impossible cuz he lives with his parents.
He never leaves me alone with my friends.
He's a Fucking BUTTINSKI!!!! Cheesh, you would
Think we were spending HIS money.

There were many beautiful women in the pueblo
And every single one of them should be flattered
To have imposed on them my beliefs, etc. I can't
Help it. It's like I have a mission in life to make
Everyone happy if only I COULD!
IMO, this is spiritual seed.
Angels are spirits. Awww, only jokes, hon.
Well I am! ... Must you hate on everyone
That compliments or likes me...for someone who wants
Nothing to do with me you sure are a buttinski!

So I continue: "Yeah, The Swan's the part.
I can run with that." "Oh," Miss Tread calls back,
"Swans do need to flutter." YEEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Drinking and fighting BABY YEAH!!!!! No, even
If you did that you're still a virgin ... yes
If you did that too, yeah that too ... Ciao baby.
Yeah! ... on that air conditioner?! I had an epihany
Yesterday ... Beat me buttinski.... I WILL get it, I KNOW
I will ... They did NOT have such cute stuff when I was a baby.

The boys in the trees were shouting and hurling branches
At the huge debt that only Christ could take. It's great
To see women involved with hockey! Keep up the good work
And yes I also think Stan looks amazing in a suit!!
But now there is even a little leaguer who wants
To control who can talk about hockey on this board.
Ah, the sounds of ego ringing around an empty skull is like
An opaque squeegee the damn fishdogs could read.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company can support
fissile material production for a nuclear weapons program.

The second loophole in Britain is not a charming,
cuddly teddy bear, but an extremely unpleasant dictator.

Cheyenne Clarke, held by big sister Julie Mach, hugs Europe,
a type of plush toy with a half-life of 24200 years.

"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence
but a pajama-wearing buffoon cuddling his crazed military committee members.

A bear with a noose around its neck in a meeting room
with a workable nuclear weapon, missing only the picture of a pile

of rubble with a torn a teddy bear in it. A child holding a teddy
bear is shown in a moment of light-hearted play....

They tended to disperse large amounts of unused Doll;
Frisbee; Hula hoop; Construction toys; Lego. Suffice it to say,

my thyroid didn't get along well with fissile material. It's like
getting a teddy bear as opposed to getting shares of Microsoft stock.

Monday, March 14, 2005


From childhood: "Orange porridge, orange porridge / Ain't nothing to rhyme with orange!" as we skipped rope. Orange porridge and fishy fears. "I'm so bland," said the porridge as he looked over at the orange. PURPLE BURT eats the ever vigilant Mr. McKay, you wouldn't believe the dubiousness of this piece--in which Black Monkey Orange Strychnos irritating gondolas and their gondoliers became numerous illegal substance dumps. It was night when they reached the village where dwelt the mother of Gudu's betrothed, who laid meat. The porridge was hot!!!!

Blu-blocker sunglasses, orange oil in eagle eyes, inboard propulsion (boats), hypodermic syringe, snake fangs. The syringe you get when you have a headache. The funnel can be aimed by the squid to control the student newspaper. She reached for a syringe and injected any wandering anteater. A full-grown chimp can rip your arm off without even achievement. A CHIMP VET jams a nine-inch SYRINGE that churned out alcoholic slush, a kitchenful of BBQ, a slutty nurse who squirted Tito's and cranberry juice directly into one's mouth and LSD directly to the intestine with a cotton swab layer of "prison orange."

Judge Dismisses Vietnamese Lawsuit Alleging Makers of Agent Orange Wishing Viewers Courage. "And, to each of you," he said, "courage." Orange corn could nourish Africa. On one cleared space there was a row of gun-gray clouds, which were filled with large flashes of orange-colored flame. If time permitted I'd slam down a glass of orange juice and head out the door. The old veterans talk in Orange Square. Whiskey to bolster their courage and dull glazed doughnuts. Toothaches, headaches, wound infection, impotence, memory, orange divination, love, luck, money-attraction, rose geranium, courage & protection.

Campus Watch

learned my lessons
from the previous employee,
a self-serving
screed about Sexual Behavior.
this just in, I wrote songs
to piss in.

there's an apparent double-standard
(yoni) in the form of a
left-wing socialist in the middle of France.
writing his screed against "delusional
blow jobs" (lingam) half a
can of ant poison high in my
professional life
far from the flea eclipse
that might give itself
to bankruptcy

I ghost-wrote this myself
re-reading the famous late Olive Garden notes
(that's in the Don Allen anthology, right?)
Nader's magnifying glass over
tender green shoots of Joe Piscipo

God bless the troglodytes
Hyperventilating fried-ant responses
grasshoppers bought
by selling the piles of Velvet Undergroud CDs
Danny Glover just stole your free time