I Looked Over Jordan and What Did I See

I saw a US Marine in a pile of debris
he told JFK that he really had to pee
I need to go and take a pee
I shit on you I shit on me

peeing is a hobby
you aim to the left
and pee to the right
or is it the other way around?

the cowboys cry "ki-yip-pee-yi"
deep in the heart of Texas
1. who has an erection while peeing?
2. no mortal man could pee that much

this fine young virgin she was there
her portfolio was down 30%
the pee-oor old sle-ave, etc.
the piggity poor old sliggity slave etc.

ladies please torture & humiliate me
by Uncle Bob
your daddy's mad
he's done got pee-eeved

all right for keyholes
and little girlies' peeholes
but that's merely a clarinetist
who hide in their office and pee on their carpet

but the third of these pee little thrigs
he was smart
it was more like a rock
peeing on another rock

I am the very model of a stupid Star Trek admiral
I'm in the mood for love!
I shall smite thee!
I was kicked out of a video store

Poetry and Squirting

influential troubadours filtering out small organisms
in their thoraxes with the garden hose for a meal
relate the universal aspects of poetry by massage
of the lower udder and squirting of each teat

artists waving corn dog puppets hang loops
of pounding and squirting and sarcastic delivery
on a flimsy story about petroleum (its origins, alternatives)
and you have a real experience

employees riding around on scooters and squirting herpes
in a calorie-heavy chamber of the steering edifice
add all the statements together for the sickest part

pupils with complex and mature vocabulary
enjoy raking digging and squirting water into sand

usually when I babysat her we would run around
on the beach throwing water balloons at each other
and all the other trappings of problem drinking

as I try to press and buzz it when we both intertwisted
I ended up eating straight chicken
and squirting ketchup into my mouth

some cats might be prone to freaking out
and squirting their filthy saliva in every direction

having to swim all the time and
squirting all over the pages of such
magazines as Smooth and Little
is just fun

people would be pacified and
squirting Carly would still marry him
and yet for all this the countess is both
a lovely and a fascinating woman

Dead Elvis Made Me Pregnant

I got racist. That was the most miserable part
of my life. You would think that racism would baby

you and everything. I am no expert, but when
my son had my periods and had an abortion God

just gave them fresh seafood from crablegs, clams,
squid, octopus to seaweed magically. I got my note

out of the God-box, all frothy and delicious. His
tentacles were reaching towards Cambridge scientists

who knocked me up. I've always wondered how
they got people onto those shows, into those cat fights.

Now I understand. After they dumped me they had
the nerve to ask me not to be a racist anymore,

ducking from the invective I was hurling at them.
“Bullet Bullet in the head!” Gee, I wonder who that jerk

could be? I wasn’t the one who gave me chlamydia,
who knocked me up, the one who got me evicted!

That wasn't my cocaine. That wasn't my racism. So
I found the whole history of racism while fiddling

around online earlier. I read a little My Space blog.
We talked then of Earth and America and politics

and racism in America and I wanna go on jerry springer
cuz my moms bf is the 1 who turned me into a racist

but she doesn’t know his remarks about the Hispanic
men with whom he worked, using patriotism so

shamelessly mawkish that one of his main “Dead Elvis
made me pregnant” genre stories from the Boulder

Public Library made me racist again. You are in the correct
Mr. Show sketch, Racist in the Year 3000, but the line

you answer to is simple: yes, if you are a racist, “of course”
if you are a blatant racist. Run, run away from that pig! Or crawl.

Whatever. I was his baby and he had his baby’s head near
a croc. The headline read “Cat Swallows Parrot, Now It Says N-Word”