Saturday, April 22, 2006

Smokey BBQ Doritos



(Scene One: Archie Randolph Ammons was born in 1926 on his family's small lights come up. Lou Reed and Auden are sitting in the Eastern Europe. OHHHH HOMEY FUCK ME aaaahhhhaaaaaahh aaaaahhhhhaaaaa aaaaaaaaaha. Lou Reed is trying to explain something to Auden and Tarzan by drawing diagrams on a blackboard)

Lou Reed: (points to elaborate diagram) Smokey BBQ Doritos! I miss these more than any other food that hasbeen taken off the market! These were my favoritechips EVER!! BRING THEM BACK!!!

Auden: I support this petition. Please bring back thesmokey bbq doritos...I will purchase them in bulk.

Lou Reed: I support this petition. Please bring themback...I would buy them in bulk.

Auden: I support this petition. i ate these chipseveryday in high school!

Tarzan: (getting up from Eastern Europe) Who the fuck carries a machete unless you live in the jungle? Still, for many, doritos remain mysterious. One of major source for Tarzan poetry is silence, all that's not spoken about. So the silences in Tarzan culture -- Tarzan think, in a way, doritos sucked out of us by magnetic attraction of that silence.

Auden: Tarzan wearily put dollar into Rick's tip jar. "Just play 'Tarzan Boy' for me.

Lou Reed: I support this petition. BBQ doritos wereaddictive and the best chip ever!

Auden: I support this petition.

Tarzan: Suddenly I'm not Tarzan. I'm me. Find myself in bed with a girl I like, kissing and
petting.

Lou Reed: ineedthem I support this petition. Please bring them back ihave never had a chip that made me just cravethem. I need them they are the best chips you evermade.

(Archibald MacLeish enters from upstage running his yo-yo. He is dressed not at all like James Dean. Stands watching them, skeptically)

Auden: me I support this petition. I love them but they hadwhite powder on them I need them and there gone sogood bye cruel worl

Archibald Mac Leish: hater I don't support this petition. Those chipssuck horribly sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky

(Lou Reed attempts to strangle him with the yo-yo string, but fails)

suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky

(There is a brief but awkward silence. And do try not to say Fuck while talking to the alumni.)

Auden: Fuck you, Archibald MacLeish, you fucking fuck, with your fucking pink Power
Ranger psychosis

* * *

(Scene Two: They are having drinks at the chapbook. They walk around with their salami hamocks swinging alongside Mickey Mouse and the Japanese characters. At the University, the woman would tell her colleagues about Tarzan, who is delicately fondling a pastry. Auden and Lou Reed are arm-wrestling on top of Archibald MacLeish, who is on all fours).

Tarzan: Tarzan write each poem as a kind of trial of possibility. Tarzan love idea of received space. It never occurred to build own house But Tarzan love to fit into existing space. Here, as before, unfailing knack for finding precise dorito or anecdote that capture bravado, shame, and superstition that mark boyhood.

Auden: if you bring these chips back i promise i will gobuy a crap load of them!

Lou Reed: PLEASE BRING EM BACK!

Auden: Oh my gosh! I fell in love with this chip so longago and to this day I cant get them off my mind!they were sooooo good with jalepno dip! they wereso good! Pleeease bring them back!

Lou Reed: These chips with Jack and Cokes are simply unreal.

Auden: THE BEST CHIPS EVER

(Another silence ensues. Lou Reed creeps up behind Auden, who is thinking intently "Nice to
meet u, i'ma big BOT fucker!" and brains him with a copy of the Maximus poems)

Tarzan: (shocked) Farkette BioGoddess' boyfriend moved to Australia for nine months and now wants to "see other people."

Lou Reed: (slyly) BBQ doritos were my favorite! Bring them back!

Tarzan: (accusingly) BBQ dorritos were great! BRING THEM BACK!!

Lou Reed: haffizulla bbq doritos were the best chips ever please bringthem back.

Tarzan: what kind of sick twisted freak would take doritos3d off of the market?? I lived off of those!!!PLEASEEEEPLEASEEEE bring tghem back!!

Lou Reed: BBQ doritos were my favorite chip while they wereout, bring them back!

Tarzan: These were my favorite chips.

Lou Reed: At one point they were the only chips I ate. Iloved them and I wish they were
back.

Tarzan: I abosolutely loved the BBQ Doritos. Me and mybuddies would go through so
many bags in a week. I'm tempted to spend the $12 to buy a bag fromCanada off of Ebay.

Lou Reed: I support this petition and BBQ Doritos areawesome. Pretty Please with Sugar
on top.Pleaseeeeeeee

Auden: (dead) I loved them! Please, bring back the BBQ Dorito!

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JD said...

If I worked at Frito-Lay, I would be very, very afraid of crossing Lou Reed by leaving BBQ Doritos off the market. Lou may be 64, but I'm sure he can still kick ass. Imagine being some washed-up Frito-Lay executive, and having to wear one of those "Lou Reed kicked my ass, and all I got is this lousy T-shirt" shirts. How humiliating!

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