Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Hairshirt Diaries



(scene one: Kevyn and Trey are sitting on a park bench. Moustache-less beards are OK. Some dude has threatened me with "the shearing of the sheep." They are waiting for Robyn. What's up with these Amish people, anyway? Why are they always on buses?)

Kevyn: So, as I was saying, Plain and Simple is a little gem of a book. Sue Bender's search for her inner spirit leads her to examine the life of the Amish community.

Trey: Yes, I observed that her journey begins with a simple quilt that catches her eye in a museum. Something about the stark yet vibrant quality of the quilt speaks to her heart.

Kevyn: Sue's busy and chaotic life style has taken a toll on her artistic spirit. In the simple Amish quilt she finds the calmness that she wants to capture for herself.

Trey: Dry humping is when two people rub their bodies against each other--often moving their genitals together and simulating the motions of intercourse without actually having it.

Kevyn: People can be partially or fully clothed or not wear clothes at all.

Trey: It's also called dry sex or frottage.

Kevyn: Sue arranges to spend several weeks living among the Amish community, going back to the basics of a simpler time. Dry humping is a good option for people who don't feel ready or don't want to have sexual intercourse.

Trey: What you are doing is basically making love without the penetration. This is one of those books that will remain within easy reach.

Kevyn: When I feel my spirit lagging, I'll reach for Plain and Simple to remind myself of the lessons I learned.

(Robyn enters, wearing my blonde Fender Telecaster. Because of a misinterpretation of scripture, we function in society without kinky fetishes such as watersports. Yeah sure, love this idea, how would you like yogurt down through the woods and hills of Chester County?)

Robyn: Hello Kevyn, Hello Trey! Sorry I'm so late--My boyfriend and I have not had sexual intercourse, but on occasion we rub against each other, and often have an orgasm through this process as well. We usually strip down to our underwear during this time (I know it sounds strange, but anyway...).

Kevyn: The sexual activities that you and your boyfriend are partaking in are NOT strange! As a matter of fact what you are referring to is so normal that I enjoyed reading what little there was about the Amish women but was not at all impressed with Sue Bender and her "journey".

Robyn: Get a life, Sue Bender, and leave the Amish alone.

Trey: Four stars for what little she wrote about the Amish women themselves, though.

Robyn: Is this sort of activity or rubbing each other through 2 layers of underwear sexually healthy, or can it lead to some long-term damage?

Trey: After reading the reviews of others, I want to note that I pick up this book roughly once a year, especially to read its summary, which Sue Bender calls a "ninepatch."

Kevyn: It captures what she learned from the Amish--lessons that remind me of Wendell Berry's work, which also comments on what might be called agrarian values.

Trey: What's our motivation now?

Robyn: These ten songs will make you dry hump your stereo system: "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown, "Mystic Lady" by T. Rex, "I Put a Spell on You" By Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

Trey: That's only three songs.

Robyn: When we dry hump, I never ejaculate at all. I have never ejaculated near her vagina or anywhere on her body.

Kevyn: Stop that! I said, what's our motivation now?

Trey: Well, we can't do anything pleasurable....

Robyn: Pleasurable to whom, White Man?

Trey: I am almost never erect when we dry hump. I am usually only 1/3rd erect at most, and again, I never have an orgasm.

Kevyn: I'm not a white man, I'm a whyte myn.

Robyn: There is no sperm in that precum.

Trey: I have never toucher her naked vagina with my naked penis.

Kevyn: Affluent American Sue Bender attempts to impose herself on an Amish family in order to use their community as a personal spiritual retreat.

Robyn: The result was a pseudo-spiritual "journey" that gave rise to this short, self-indulgent, ethnocentric work.

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