Flarf: The Movie

All of the readings from the Flarf Festival group reading last friday night at the Medicine Show Theater in New York are now available for viewing at YouTube.com. They appear to have already gotten more than a thousand viewings. We can only surmise that there are more ANNOYING DIABETIC BITCHES out there than we thought....

To see all the readings click HERE.

Smokey BBQ Doritos

(Scene One: Archie Randolph Ammons was born in 1926 on his family's small lights come up. Lou Reed and Auden are sitting in the Eastern Europe. OHHHH HOMEY FUCK ME aaaahhhhaaaaaahh aaaaahhhhhaaaaa aaaaaaaaaha. Lou Reed is trying to explain something to Auden and Tarzan by drawing diagrams on a blackboard)

Lou Reed: (points to elaborate diagram) Smokey BBQ Doritos! I miss these more than any other food that hasbeen taken off the market! These were my favoritechips EVER!! BRING THEM BACK!!!

Auden: I support this petition. Please bring back thesmokey bbq doritos...I will purchase them in bulk.

Lou Reed: I support this petition. Please bring themback...I would buy them in bulk.

Auden: I support this petition. i ate these chipseveryday in high school!

Tarzan: (getting up from Eastern Europe) Who the fuck carries a machete unless you live in the jungle? Still, for many, doritos remain mysterious. One of major source for Tarzan poetry is silence, all that's not spoken about. So the silences in Tarzan culture -- Tarzan think, in a way, doritos sucked out of us by magnetic attraction of that silence.

Auden: Tarzan wearily put dollar into Rick's tip jar. "Just play 'Tarzan Boy' for me.

Lou Reed: I support this petition. BBQ doritos wereaddictive and the best chip ever!

Auden: I support this petition.

Tarzan: Suddenly I'm not Tarzan. I'm me. Find myself in bed with a girl I like, kissing and
petting.

Lou Reed: ineedthem I support this petition. Please bring them back ihave never had a chip that made me just cravethem. I need them they are the best chips you evermade.

(Archibald MacLeish enters from upstage running his yo-yo. He is dressed not at all like James Dean. Stands watching them, skeptically)

Auden: me I support this petition. I love them but they hadwhite powder on them I need them and there gone sogood bye cruel worl

Archibald Mac Leish: hater I don't support this petition. Those chipssuck horribly sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky

(Lou Reed attempts to strangle him with the yo-yo string, but fails)

suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky sucky suckysucky sucky

(There is a brief but awkward silence. And do try not to say Fuck while talking to the alumni.)

Auden: Fuck you, Archibald MacLeish, you fucking fuck, with your fucking pink Power
Ranger psychosis

* * *

(Scene Two: They are having drinks at the chapbook. They walk around with their salami hamocks swinging alongside Mickey Mouse and the Japanese characters. At the University, the woman would tell her colleagues about Tarzan, who is delicately fondling a pastry. Auden and Lou Reed are arm-wrestling on top of Archibald MacLeish, who is on all fours).

Tarzan: Tarzan write each poem as a kind of trial of possibility. Tarzan love idea of received space. It never occurred to build own house But Tarzan love to fit into existing space. Here, as before, unfailing knack for finding precise dorito or anecdote that capture bravado, shame, and superstition that mark boyhood.

Auden: if you bring these chips back i promise i will gobuy a crap load of them!

Lou Reed: PLEASE BRING EM BACK!

Auden: Oh my gosh! I fell in love with this chip so longago and to this day I cant get them off my mind!they were sooooo good with jalepno dip! they wereso good! Pleeease bring them back!

Lou Reed: These chips with Jack and Cokes are simply unreal.

Auden: THE BEST CHIPS EVER

(Another silence ensues. Lou Reed creeps up behind Auden, who is thinking intently "Nice to
meet u, i'ma big BOT fucker!" and brains him with a copy of the Maximus poems)

Tarzan: (shocked) Farkette BioGoddess' boyfriend moved to Australia for nine months and now wants to "see other people."

Lou Reed: (slyly) BBQ doritos were my favorite! Bring them back!

Tarzan: (accusingly) BBQ dorritos were great! BRING THEM BACK!!

Lou Reed: haffizulla bbq doritos were the best chips ever please bringthem back.

Tarzan: what kind of sick twisted freak would take doritos3d off of the market?? I lived off of those!!!PLEASEEEEPLEASEEEE bring tghem back!!

Lou Reed: BBQ doritos were my favorite chip while they wereout, bring them back!

Tarzan: These were my favorite chips.

Lou Reed: At one point they were the only chips I ate. Iloved them and I wish they were
back.

Tarzan: I abosolutely loved the BBQ Doritos. Me and mybuddies would go through so
many bags in a week. I'm tempted to spend the $12 to buy a bag fromCanada off of Ebay.

Lou Reed: I support this petition and BBQ Doritos areawesome. Pretty Please with Sugar
on top.Pleaseeeeeeee

Auden: (dead) I loved them! Please, bring back the BBQ Dorito!

The Hairshirt Diaries

(scene one: Kevyn and Trey are sitting on a park bench. Moustache-less beards are OK. Some dude has threatened me with "the shearing of the sheep." They are waiting for Robyn. What's up with these Amish people, anyway? Why are they always on buses?)

Kevyn: So, as I was saying, Plain and Simple is a little gem of a book. Sue Bender's search for her inner spirit leads her to examine the life of the Amish community.

Trey: Yes, I observed that her journey begins with a simple quilt that catches her eye in a museum. Something about the stark yet vibrant quality of the quilt speaks to her heart.

Kevyn: Sue's busy and chaotic life style has taken a toll on her artistic spirit. In the simple Amish quilt she finds the calmness that she wants to capture for herself.

Trey: Dry humping is when two people rub their bodies against each other--often moving their genitals together and simulating the motions of intercourse without actually having it.

Kevyn: People can be partially or fully clothed or not wear clothes at all.

Trey: It's also called dry sex or frottage.

Kevyn: Sue arranges to spend several weeks living among the Amish community, going back to the basics of a simpler time. Dry humping is a good option for people who don't feel ready or don't want to have sexual intercourse.

Trey: What you are doing is basically making love without the penetration. This is one of those books that will remain within easy reach.

Kevyn: When I feel my spirit lagging, I'll reach for Plain and Simple to remind myself of the lessons I learned.

(Robyn enters, wearing my blonde Fender Telecaster. Because of a misinterpretation of scripture, we function in society without kinky fetishes such as watersports. Yeah sure, love this idea, how would you like yogurt down through the woods and hills of Chester County?)

Robyn: Hello Kevyn, Hello Trey! Sorry I'm so late--My boyfriend and I have not had sexual intercourse, but on occasion we rub against each other, and often have an orgasm through this process as well. We usually strip down to our underwear during this time (I know it sounds strange, but anyway...).

Kevyn: The sexual activities that you and your boyfriend are partaking in are NOT strange! As a matter of fact what you are referring to is so normal that I enjoyed reading what little there was about the Amish women but was not at all impressed with Sue Bender and her "journey".

Robyn: Get a life, Sue Bender, and leave the Amish alone.

Trey: Four stars for what little she wrote about the Amish women themselves, though.

Robyn: Is this sort of activity or rubbing each other through 2 layers of underwear sexually healthy, or can it lead to some long-term damage?

Trey: After reading the reviews of others, I want to note that I pick up this book roughly once a year, especially to read its summary, which Sue Bender calls a "ninepatch."

Kevyn: It captures what she learned from the Amish--lessons that remind me of Wendell Berry's work, which also comments on what might be called agrarian values.

Trey: What's our motivation now?

Robyn: These ten songs will make you dry hump your stereo system: "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" by James Brown, "Mystic Lady" by T. Rex, "I Put a Spell on You" By Screamin' Jay Hawkins.

Trey: That's only three songs.

Robyn: When we dry hump, I never ejaculate at all. I have never ejaculated near her vagina or anywhere on her body.

Kevyn: Stop that! I said, what's our motivation now?

Trey: Well, we can't do anything pleasurable....

Robyn: Pleasurable to whom, White Man?

Trey: I am almost never erect when we dry hump. I am usually only 1/3rd erect at most, and again, I never have an orgasm.

Kevyn: I'm not a white man, I'm a whyte myn.

Robyn: There is no sperm in that precum.

Trey: I have never toucher her naked vagina with my naked penis.

Kevyn: Affluent American Sue Bender attempts to impose herself on an Amish family in order to use their community as a personal spiritual retreat.

Robyn: The result was a pseudo-spiritual "journey" that gave rise to this short, self-indulgent, ethnocentric work.

Pro-Union Dead Girls Gone Wild

"PTA pterodactyl ptomaine pub puberty pubescence"


If you get the chance, be sure to visit the Baltimore Aquarium,
I've been there three times now. And usually it's like, "Ahhhhh make it stop!
Hi! My name is Brandy, welcome to my poster store!
I love dry humor

After I logged off, I opened my window and crawled out onto the roof
I rolled the nipples
To vote PC
What runs from that nose of yours is actually a helpful friend called mucus

I still can't feel my right big toe as I write this more
than a week later, doing some pretty serious vegetating today
His band makes out a lot to shock people. Last April,
Unrestrained violence against barbed wire will always

Find a place to go. Just don't whiz on the electric fence
We run a xenophobic blitzkrieg of steamshovels
It seems that "weed freaks," as they are called
was never known to the human world.

Certain areas, like Guinea-Bissau
have become a fruitful metaphor.
When it is not convenient to bake the scones on a girdle
He got a little chubby. He had bags under his eyes,

scavenging sometimes rancid seeds from cones across the forest floor.
No other white person on the premises
The modern Siberians would shake their head
The joke was on us, under the tutelage of John Crowe Ransom

The big @$$ stuffed animals that are usually 100 are now 50!
my shields, along with half my armour, were gone
Nintendo themed tattoos
As I passed William James Infirmary I saw my sweetheart breathe

Mr. Fishbone installed a gigantic mountain of bananas
Punk isnt dead
when you have kids:
"whats up ya dyke!!" ha ha

Small wrenlike Asiatic birds
a devout buddhist, and the best hugger
he can look at me naked, and not wince
Opening up communications is the key.

As a kid raised in Washington DC's hardcore punk scene
Freddie Mercury didn't let the light of Christ in his life--
If he chooses to eat fatty foods, that's his life choice
His policies stem from that.

We moved to a small town in northwestern Connecticut
For decent church-goin' women,
with their pinched, bitter, evil faces
a small army of ardent supporters of Gary Hart.

My mind veered toward the supernatural, the abstract. It was Hell.
We built a deck for a yurt over in the corner
Charlie was dead, arm draped over a barrel of pirate rum
And he has spectacular sideburns.

I decided that we would go to Les and Cheryl Shaw's
in the dreaded "ditch section".
to make sure his sons learn how to play baseball
"You looks like youse yo' own daughter."

Even lard arse aint Domesticated!
There was never any question where to put the statue of Rick,
the waitress who served us at Boylston Street on Saturday night
dropped her bombs on Hiroshima

This is the website of the Rock of Ages Granite Company
I alone had survived the blast because of my anti-electron suit.
It is the most unhappiest of breakups, me and my TV.
Perhaps this is a test balloon to see if racial activists will squeak loud enough

Darien, CT
It was time to kick it around
I'm such a bitch!
Spring break is always nice

The orca was transported to the Oregon Coast
Aquarium. Shakin' dat ass, swish swish, like a fish!
Slide grease and lubricants
can wreck havoc on your horn.