Friday, February 12, 2010

I Am Mormon-Hot

I am hot.
Mormon-hot.
Oh my effing God, I am sick-hot.
Ick-hot.
Ich bin ein Mormon hot.
Mormon-Fight-In-A-Clown-Car hot.
And that includes soup.
World’s-oldest-freestanding-
pagoda-visited-by-Mormons hot.
Married Mormon Graduate Students On Welfare hot.
Tragicomic-mormon-homosexual-at-war-in-california-face-down-in-the-stun-bath-
weeping-hot-tears-behind-3D-glasses hot.

Feminist Mormon Housewives + Bath Time = hot.
Mormon Mommy Wars>>>The Agony that is Weaning:
hot showers, self-pump, bacon and hot dogs . . .
Hot.
Postum ..... twinkies … hormones … the Book of Mormon tells us
that women are nothing but a hot married gay Mormon man who,
once inside the body, just mimics estrogen.
Even though the Mormon church is based on
a 14 year old’s dreams and fantasies,
the Mormon mega-dance phenomenon —
fog machines, cool deejay, earsplitting music, wallflowers, cliques —
is not just cute but four hours of man sweat
leaked from a Mormon man-ass.
Hot!

I'm blaming Mormon hormone replacement therapy
that Women are from Venus, Men are from the Book of Mormon
where God has blonde chicks hanging all over him!
Celebrated tuxedo-shirt-wearing beefcake and Christmas greeting amanuensis Laura Bush
must be a Mormon,
‘cause If you've ever looked into her eyes,
you know she'd be the first to share a comforting bowl
of hot, buttered polygamist Mormon squirrel
while self-raping in prison.
In the hormone charged mosh pit of 2008's Mormon Prom
I found the most
pedo utopian dream . . .

14 comments:

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Mr. Tui said...

This is the greatest Mormon poem I have ever heard in my entire life... Flippin' A!!!

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Animus said...

I'm Mormon and this makes me laugh my fuckin' ass off.

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Thomas L. Vaultonburg said...

Imagining that this poem is about Mitt Romney has made my evening supercharged.