RODNEY KOENEKE -- "ON THE CLAMWAYS" -- 11/6/06

WHAT IS AN INTERNET AUTHOR ?

An aardvark and an albino rat are walking in joy, trusting God. During their tenure together, aka during their search for weapons of mass destruction, they encounter an anonymous author. “What is an internet author?” the anonymous author says to the traveling companions. “I have diarrhea,” says the albino rat. “I have diarrhea so bad I can hardly stay on my tractor. I’ve talked with my other farming friends and they are experiencing the same thing. I pigged out at the Chinese buffet and now I can poop thru a keyhole at 30 yards.” The anonymous author, not knowing how to respond, simply asks his question more loudly, “WHAT IS AN INTERNET AUTHOR?” The aardvark projectile-vomits on the anonymous author’s knees. “I’ve seen Fred Durst’s penis, and I can’t stop vomiting,” he says, apologetically. “How many calories do you have to burn to burn a pound?” By this time the anonymous author is really very, very angry. He stamps both his feet and shouts, “You aardvark, you, and you dirty fucking albino rat, TELL ME! WHAT IS AN INTERNET AUTHOR?!?” “Didn’t his adventures with an overdue library book keep you amused as a kid?” asks the albino rat. Before the anonymous author can answer, the aardvark interjects, whispering to the anonymous author, “The fucking albino rat has a very satisfied face, no? Looks like a handjob man. See where the hand is and where the strategic yellow flap is?” Meanwhile, the albino rat has crawled up the anonymous author’s pant leg, unzipped his fly, pulled out his penis and has begun yelling at the top of his little lungs, “This dick looks like a fucking aardvark snout!!! Holy shit!! I mean come the fuck on. This white boy accessorized his fucking white dick!” But the “dick” is indeed a real “aardvark snout” and an entire aardvark crawls out the anonymous author’s zipper hole, falls to the ground and ambles down the road, grumbling, “Fucking chickens, fucking llamas, fucking bunnies, fucking ant eating little anteater motherfuckers. Well, you're not gonna get me.” The first aardvark and his friend, the albino rat, continue on their way. All that’s left of the “anonymous author” is a pile of clothes.

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 6 -- ROD SMITH