Free Ralph Nader Rectal Thermometer!

Ralph Nader went up twenty points of
banned substances: Lipton Cup o' Urine,
Richard Simmons' Guide to the US Men's
Swim Team, The Javelin Rectal Thermometer.

Ralph Nader actually wants to win
the Presidency and as you read it you will
notice in small print the statement that "every
rectal thermometer made by low-maintenance

perennials is Tamara's little sex secret, cleverly
believing there is a road by the evil tire, or a
big muscle guy (title is actually a picture),
great balls of Ralph Nader rectal thermometer sandwich.

Think it's by accident? Think again, thermometer breath!
Even "Great Balls of Ralph Nader" doesn't
overstay its welcome. Joke Of The Month 2001?--
"Collect call from a chink." Ralph Nader: chickens

are misled into preparing to endorse a check.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer
and a rectal thermometer? RALPH NADER.
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road.

The Guy's Guide to Chick Drinks

Dinosaur vomit discovered in quarry, in mud,
hayseeds in unwashed hair, dungstain of years
under fingernails, vomit, weasel-piss ... And another thing:
I'm gone off the idea of monkey-gland injections.

This my Land. The Bikini Remover is just
a short step, after all, from the Monkey Gland celebration
of vomit. But it somehow reminded one of those
Swiss monkey-gland clinics or, much more often,

a computer; from ?boot?, collegiate slang for ?FREDDY
FUDDPUCKER HARI-KARK LITTLE BASTARD MAIDEN'S
PRAYER NR 2 MONKEY GLAND SEX?
Take him away to vomit: a) either in the sink,

if he only drank himself a small "Monkey's Gland",
kept for special occasions. It was hot: Good Morning,
Cruel World! They're so charming I want to vomit,
though perhaps it's just the wine ... and-rolls-for-$20,

the Cheez Wiz burger, the monkey burger and
monkey gland sauce, and in general, nickel-and-dime
people to death so often it makes me want
to vomit, that with his money he can afford the best

goat and monkey gland treatments in her widow's peak.
Her lips I've kissed, her glove of bones at her wrist,
that I have held in my hand, her Spanish fly
and her monkey gland. Her Godly History of the Baggots.

I noticed a small stall where an educated woman
was serving freshly brewed fake vomit. How could one
vibrating thing give so much monkey gland sauce
after the grilled steak and the tin bucket?

Houston, We Have a Clam Problem

Shaved and contorted and poured over fences
cables from the Power pole....
flush air-conditioning through cracks
sloe-gins its way through teasel

trapped

New England Clam Chowder--Thick!

Save It for the Clam

Low Frequency Transmitter Site is Clam Lake,
Wisconsin. Our facility is staffed by two

Highly trained security professionals, whose work
on the equipment and antenna system maintains
the antenna right-of-way

Fresh Maine Seafood Systems
with Tahiti Joe's XXX hot pepper sauce--
Make it a "Na Koho Night" tonight

Not saying to turn your head the other way
   but simply telling yourself to say out loud:
"I think I have a clam problem."

Spastic Hooky on the Clamway

Butt sex w/ Snappy the Clam--
Government drops Scripps. Watch Clam Feet
Elongate Far From Shell: "How bout a 1-Way, Clam???"

"How bout a 1-Way Clam???" Ok, granted, not much response.
Nobody reads poetry anyway and I
can now see why. In my Vintage Tonka State,
The mobile Clam runs an English Dept.
Parses "Clam Nightmares" into Quoddy Way Cartoons,
clam spooge pearly, left as "evidence"

Wife ordered me to stop blogging--"feed your spirit,
stories that inspire cultural creatives. You know: 'Clam
Chowder for the Soul.' What am I to you,
a complex carbohydrate, pearled
in the Aluminum Shell of the self?"

Clam mask, surf clam, 3" Clam Knives...

The method requires that you know a little about Unix commands
and working from a unix prompt (like "clam 69")

And by the way, clam culture, as it happens
Is ruled by this bitchy little number called "Snappy
the Clam."

"god is my quahog i shall not glurp"

god is my quahog i shall not glurp
he maketh me to squunch down in shallow mud
he leadeth me in sulphurated tidepools
he raketh my bounty.

Booby Clambake

We love you hypnotic clambake,
no tweeter-step.
Fuel for the road, lochs of dread or midnight rider.
Boob job kinda miffed that I told this guy about OT 3 and Xenu,
but as I pointed out, it's in the papers and on the boob tube now.
Mood: just beachy playing Clambake.
Elvis I don't need to win the battle,
I just need to know I have been...
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
Check out Operation Clambake for more information on this dangerous and very silly cult.
Survivor Slut Sarah does a little boob jiggle
that measures its pleasure by the output of a boob tube glowing.
Gelant facilties gravamen,
Cruz nationality quantal doorframe microbiologic.
Rinascimento macrame quintero says
"clambake reappraisal divinity vassal!"
And Elvis' half brother is DAMN ugly,
and yea there was ass-slapping, boob-grabbing, and
helpful evidence to show that Elvis is not only
a caring healer but also a big, sexist boob.
A bolo a boma a bonanza a bone a bong a bonne a bonsai a boob a boor.
A clack a cladoceran a cladode a claim a claimant a claimer
a clam a clambake a clamor or The Inner Secrets Of Scientology.
Fred Durst has a tattoo of Kurt Cobain and Elvis Presley on his man-boob!
Bonitos bonjour bonnier bonniest bonny bonsai bonuses boob boobies booboo.
Then I look over and your boob was hitting me upside the ear.
Tibben flatzen bat pabootie hut clambake.
Blatz claim claimable claimant claimer clairvoyance clairvoyant clam.
Clambake clamber clamberer...
Hey, Mulder, we thought we'd have a bonfire and clambake tonight!
Sitting on a Clambake-waiting for the MAN to come.
Come animalizing the unreasonable,
patching scallop concionator hypocritic milf.seeker.com.
Milk hunter saddening esotericism’s potshard and clambake.
World of Wendy Whoppers,
a veritable bomb squad detail bone detector
disencumbers slobbered paroccipital commonalty complacent.
Camera obscura and hydrocaulus bangbus movies
palaeo diaphoresis clambake, pattened after the bangbus!
So grab your dinghy and get ready for the ultimate clambake!

Clam a Trois

He lay back on the pillows, rubbed his
hand over his face. His beard was scratchy,
he throat was dry, he skin clammy. Fuck,
he felt like he was getting sick.

Clammy. Fuck. Ellyn closed her eyes
for a second, but when she opened
them she said softly, you can just call me
Gabi's Poker Door. I was all shaky and

clammy. Fuck only knew what he had
in store for me and to say I was apprehensive
is a ridden little fuckin pig fucker.... Pillsbury
doughboy lookin fat bastard dirty clammy fuck.

You make me sick as a matter of vast understatement.

Voulez-Vouz Aluminum Santa Xmas Across the Floor

the largest
burden-making
white guy enthusiasms
create toys
to return to Sam Shepard
and fulfill your promises to see
Jesus H live
at Madison Square SANTA MONICA

Do you worry about
romance novels
or gorgeous Iranian animated screensavers
showing up in
Santa's workshop with a beautiful,
old world sense of
robots and robot belts
made out of "lobster material?"

your eyes are glowing
in the dark because of
a lounge singer's Christmas past
w/ cabbage or Brussels sprouts
as a ornament
without length, width, or
theatrical painted deer
glowing on your behalf
that disappear to return
to the State Park
giving out a spark
of pixilated Chase Manhattan
I Don’t Have Any Ally McBeal
So Shut Up

Santa is a woman
if she were a man,
everyone in the universe
would wake up
Christmas morning
to Santa's elves
reading Jude The Obscure!

My Reindeer Flotilla

Oh yes you will always be my reindeer flotilla two hearts two hearts that beat as one oh I know I know I found I found in you my reindeer flotilla The Hawaii State Vacation Planner Timeless reindeer flotilla My reindeer flotilla for you is endless Like an eternal light That keeps on glowing and shinning And is sweet My reindeer flotilla Welcome! Lonely Tonight My reindeer flotilla Tools Hey Guys here is finally the sequel to "Waiting For Tonight" My reindeer flotilla with you No one else will do And your eyes Your eyes your eyes They tell me how much you care Ooh yes you will always be My reindeer flotilla two hearts My Reindeer flotilla And I know that there's also something from the bottom of my heart that keeps saying to me that he's going to be MY REINDEER FLOTILLA My reindeer flotilla reindeer It is said that from time to time comedy can bring us all together make us feel closer transcending My Reindeer flotilla "My Reindeer flotilla" was the theme music for the 1981 movie My Reindeer flotilla Lionel Richie wrote the song he and Diana Ross figured out your password You can't resist yourself My reindeer flotilla--Topic: Politics You soared into my life your angelic spirit as free and beautiful as a dove and changed it forever For that you will always have my reindeer flotilla Share All my love with you No-one else will do And your eyes (your eyes your eyes) They tell me how much you care Oh yes You will always be my reindeer flotilla My Damn It To all my reindeer flotilla with you No one else will do And your eyes They tell me how much you care Oh yes You will always be My reindeer flotilla And your eyes Your eyes your eyes They tell me how much you care Ooh yes you will always be My reindeer flotilla Two hearts Two hearts that beat as one Our lives you hey yeah No one else will do And your eyes (your eyes your eyes) They tell me how much you care Oh yes You will always be My reindeer flotilla Oh yeah.

The True Meaning of Xmas

In the mid-90s, I received an email from a mysterious
character calling himself "Cosmic Jimmy."
He said he was the developer of a new family-oriented Christmas web
site that keeps the family centered around the true meaning of Christmas.
The difficulty in having a common meaning is that there are
so many. When we dolphins communicate, for instance,
the messages accrete
in these tiny fatty sacs parallel to the head. The sound

Can reverberate horribly, transmitting the special messages
we've been ordained to deliver to mankind
with a violence more often associated with alcohol abusers
and old pre-digital Roland RX 550 synthesizers.
With that said, I can tell you the true meaning of love

And friendship is the element that will become predominant
in the warm interspecies relations which, even now, can sometimes develop
between humans, dolphins and whales. Every day, somewhere
around the world, a dolphin reaches out to someone, pleading:
"Court block Bush dolphin safe label!
Court block Bush dolphin safe label!"
the high mortality rate of seven million dolphins killed since the 1950's,

Modeled by the small businesses active in your community.
Children discussing Dolphin & Whale ascension,
Holographic Knowledge, Earth Changes, True Law, True
Meaning of Namaste--
One needn't climb the slopes of Nazareth
To have sex with a dolphin....

"Sex? With a dolphin? How sick is that?"
Not to make this a "Scrooge" experience or anything,
but that dirty little dolphin
enticing the customer
to buy, buy, buy, pretending
that dolphins are virgins, here to help us understand
our true noctural drives. There might, in fact, in retrospect
be something dolphin-like
About all our collective sexual perversions:
For when the man has been laid to rest he will be

Anointed with a myrrh, according to the custom of the Horebites
who, at the postfeast of the Nativity, celebrate the ascension of the dead
to a sort of vast paradise
with the help of a personal angel
and the goddess Dolphin. It's good to see that Disney
didn't go the "PC" route with this one, obscuring the true meaning
of Christmas for some crap the whole family can enjoy.
The things we love will pass

like grass, beating is practically a given
given the traditions of Mohinder's alcohol abuse. So I gave him
this colored plastic claw that throws dolphin balls really, really far:
Moral is spank a dolphin and get
to heaven which is the true meaning to life

English 911, Poetry Workshop

This course is designed to introduce you to one of the most ignored and bewildering art forms there is out there. It is not for people with heart conditions or for people with "their own ideas about things." A lot will be expected of you because poetry writing demands our most self-serious exertions. The body is preparing itself for either flight or fight. Poetry should make your testicles light up like a jack-o-lantern.

Poetry is an indigestible form of word arrangement and cannot function as a source of fuel. Poetry helps to prevent constipation and gives a feeling of fullness, but too much poetry can reduce the uptake of vitamins and actually increase constipation if prose consumption is not increased at the same time.

Why is the need for poetry wired into our mammalian brains, like the need for jobs you can't be fired from, Quaaludes and cheap wine? Why do other mammals often write better than humans do? Since humans have been speaking, writing, and torturing each other with poetry since William Shakespeare started it all, what's the reason? What is it about poetry?

The weave of poetry is perfect. It is perfectly and harmoniously balanced. Poetry is The Law. It flows through everything that is in existence, every stone, every plant, every animal, every being every man. How can we hope to write poetry well when we haven't read any in twenty years? By giving people what they expect, that's how.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love your poetry. All you can do is be a poet who can be loved. The rest is on them. Poets are encouraged to purchase merchandise featuring their poetry. For me, poetry is not self expression, though it may be spelt regression. Poetry harvests the fact of it's own banality. It is spectacularly and excruciatingly inept, which doesn't mean it isn't famous, though it isn't, and in order to know anything about it you'll have to learn about your own powerlessness and dismay, the language of The Masai warriors and Native Indians, successful slave revolts, new ways of approaching dialectical materialism, how to instigate a nation-wide general strike, the way mountains collect social security, and how to survive in the wilderness with only a collection of Jonas Mekas movies and an obscene deck of cards.

Whatever poets see they unconsciously imitate. It comes from somewhere, perhaps sailboats or desk lamps or genuflecting to Gloria Steinem, and is a gift from our lord, God and all these great chemical substances that we've taken over the years.

The best way to write poetry is to write like you've never been hurt. Middle-aged people with an increasing distance from social reality would be mad at you if you completely ignored them. Don't take this course if you're not ready to believe that poetry is in serious trouble. True-hearted poets, even in the humblest station in life, who are energetic doers, may give an impulse to good works out of all proportion, apparently, to their actual station in society. This is especially good news for the poets' landlords and bosses.

Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful fears. The thing that distinguishes poetry from other segments is that there is no room for error. In large poetry application deployment there is usually a small army of poetic people and consultants available to help smooth out the bumps. Auden wrote, for example, that "poetry makes nothing happen: let's keep it that way." In the small poetry segment, poets tend to rely on words that cost relatively little, so the poetic payroll is not at stake.

To me, the most alarming thing about poetry is that there is a lot to choose from. Poetry's status economy depends on a knowledge-gap. Try relying on resellers you trust to find poems that are easy to install, use and, most importantly, maintain.

Poetry is the power of deflating the indefinable in terms of the unforgivable. There will be channeled readings on poetics as well as sessions in which student poetry will be summarily dismissed. Grades will be based on quality of the work, disingenuousness, commitment to Christianity, generosity of spirit, and articulation of a poetics to ride in on.

Tom Brokaw

My Dad was a proud Paratrooper. He loved being Phillipines news. An LA Teen asked help to ID a priest she says fathered her. My Dad Was a Boxer. We succeeded. My dad was a connoisseur of classical music. It was incredibly important to him. His best man was a black belt in Judo. He believed in the Judo way. He turned around, and the boys in that car hastily apologized. Did I mention that my dad was a big guy? My Dad was big. My Dad was a big union guy, back in Cape Breton in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. He worked for such a special man. He was everything (and more) that a Christian should be. He devoted his life to Jesus and did it with pleasure. My Dad was a big man by build and had a big heart with so much love in it and in return he was loved by everyone in a coup. Of course, according to Idi Amin Dada, my Dad was a threat being a well educated Protestant from Buganda. To cut the truck driver for a local rendering business. I was an only child and my dad spoiled me terribly! On the left is a picture of his plane, it's a Spitfire. Some pilots named their planes e.g. THE OLDEST LIVING ALTAR BOY IN THE HISTORY OF "LITTLE FLOWER." I think my dad was a card shark before he became a preacher!!~lol!~ When we left that evening it was hard to believe dad was a child during The Depression in the 1930s. As you know, commodities were scarce in those days. My dad was a very good tradesman of the old school, and some of the things these old-time mechanics could do with a chisel, file and hand scrapers is almost mutli-talented in so many ways. My Dad was a huge success on the Donna Reed Show. He went to college at La Salle University in the Philippines. I was told my dad was a ladies man. He dated many girls. An iron gate. Very creepy looking. Because hindsight is clearer then my eyesight, I must be thankful that my Dad was a dead beat Dad. For had a typical pragmatic solution lived on a somewhat busy mighty Manchester United, the man who did all he could for his children would have convinced my brother that my dad was a monster. My dad never did anything to hurt anyone. My dad moved out. It's him. His laugh. His love. My Dad was a great wordsmith, but he was a greater selfish colleague. He was one of the best, our hero. Someone we loved and looked up to. My dad was a hard working man. It's all I ever knew. My Dad was a weekend Dad. He would take my older sister and me to "Buckeye Division." No radio, no heat, no interior lights. This is ridiculous. My Mom was an Australian Cattle Dog also known as a Blue Heeler. My Dad was a "rolling stone" and all we know about him was that he was very big.

Asphodel, That Greeny Fuck

You heard it Greeny fuck
    headachey Crush
        Triad Purple pulled
at the hoping traitor
    to release badgered giving
        you threw your legs!
But rest assured, folks--
    lip balm to coax an egg
        out of a brandy bottle,
or some greeny shit pennies
    using the Hash Bags,
        "I dunno its exhaust pipe,"
like Arlo Skating for GREENy
    (This fucker's going down)
        oh god ... images
last i heard greeny was
    trying to bum rich ... but thats
        a regular occurence....
oh you fucker
    ima kick your sorry
        scottish ass.

Anecdote of the Discontinued Laminate Flooring

John F. in Tennessee
Needed some discontinued laminate flooring;
They couldn't find it anywhere
& wrote to me.

I placed a call to Hal McClure
Penitentiary,
The first permanent white settlement
In Tennessee.

I placed a target at seven yards
And proceeded to try to shoot at it
While I baked pancakes
(Interpretation of the law in Tennessee).

Anecdote of the Magic Stik

I placed a 3 by 5 ad in AUTO NEWS:
"1960 Lotus Elite
fully restored & running
and parked in Tennessee."

I placed a helix on my TranSystem converter
At 16:03:22 EST
To get circular polarization
When I worked in Tennessee.

I placed a large spilt shot about 18" above the Magic Stik
rigged Texas style on Bass Pro Shop XPS 1/0,
Carolina Wide Gap hook:
Smallie Time In Tennessee.

Anecdote of the Unknown Substance

The problem came in Tennessee.
I placed a few grains
Of this unknown substance
On my tongue.

I was a 25-year-old Catholic from New York
Having sex with a 16-year-old
"Mentally defective" patient
In Tennessee.

I placed a small but biting tit clamp
On his left nipple--
The first openly gay candidate
To run for Congress in Tennessee.

Lucky Pierre Talks with the Pope

When someone Double Heimlichs Pope John Paul
Their diatribes appeal. "Thanks for saying
Those nasty words." "I am the Central Park Jogger,
A three-month suspended sentence and sex abuse crisis;
Push him back out in the hopes the tide will take him."
He stops and talks to the two bums in order.
Fed Chairman Greenspan should be so lucky.
War Noise. The American dollar at 74.86¢.
This disabled visitor felt a new strength.
"The original chapel was donated by unpublished
Scripts of talks broadcasted next to the French
Archaeologist and mystic three-way."
Snicker every time the preacher talks,
Not fat, but "husky" and hairy like a god.

I Hate Cheech

Kenneth, mars!!! and, god help us all, crawl, stagger stagger,
crawl!!!" i hate to say it, but; I HATE CHEECH in this....

How High ... new millennium? It sounded interesting the first time
I heard it. Then I remembered how much I HATE CHEECH!!! Man...

Kids Writing ... all I got you're very hot you'll get it all in a hall this
is long I hate Cheech and Chong I am happy I have no grandpappy

Joan Houlihan

I made a little mother out of mimes,
old Styx tee shirts,
and a bit of middle-aged llama futures.
I once saw Gary Chandling on TV.
That's when the troubles were too pockmarked
to be resplendent,
awash in gas, but distant enough
to keeps me coughing
and rooting for all
the animals on the farm.
Matter is every dried family that sews for a living.
They're bound to disappear: power to my feelings.
All my plaster saints go down on
everything that's happened,
and they like it much better
through a teetotaler:
that's the way un uh, un uh
the wormwood gets homesick
with many notions on one candle.
I molded this at the lost and spilled,
as if you like your Love to be inside a parking lot
with spiders in the cactus and all grassed up in knots.
It's so YOU to become as a garnish is.
The Horrible Actions(tm)
Matter takes up while spackling the interns
we call tradition.
Knife, Fork, Many Mo and Jack,
set on the mantle to be singin' to the crack?
Can you guess that you are not so much from
everywhere to be expelled
like a mouthful of Love Music
that's in my class!
It's my brand of new coat
to enjoy these pleasant burning sensations, mother said,
because another horrible infestation
watches the car sink into an off-stage swamp.
It's rocks and tree explained the whips of potatoes.
and like Nixon's womanly arts,
thoughts from a sleepy person have some weight.
They fill our world with holy lint and happy links,
and from those parts it makes our present whole,
like cream of wheat.