Flarf

WHY FLARF IS BETTER THAN CONCEPTUALISM

2010-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

Conceptualism asks what is Conceptualism? Flarf turns poetry up to 11. Conceptualism is never about anything other than Conceptualism itself. Flarf is poetry. It is about everything that is not poetry. Flarf is the court's most feared group of space pirates. As such, it is still a member of Moby Grape. Conceptualism courts jest,

I Am Mormon-Hot

2010-02-12T21:47:00.000-08:00

I am hot.Mormon-hot.Oh my effing God, I am sick-hot.Ick-hot.Ich bin ein Mormon hot.Mormon-Fight-In-A-Clown-Car hot.And that includes soup.World’s-oldest-freestanding-pagoda-visited-by-Mormons hot.Married Mormon Graduate Students On Welfare hot.Tragicomic-mormon-homosexual-at-war-in-california-face-down-in-the-stun-bath-weeping-hot-tears-behind-3D-glasses hot.Feminist Mormon Housewives + Bath Time

from the vaults, for the hollidays...

2009-11-26T01:00:00.000-08:00

HAPPY SPANKSGIVING(Spank). Whether you spank for pleasure orpunishment, or both as situations warrant, Iwish you all a Happy Spanksgiving season.Spank hard...spank safe!Too many carbohydrates in Italy . . . Jamaica it is!I'm thankful for big spoons and floors!HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ROCKSTAR!Spank hard...spank safe!What better place to spend an Autumn weekendbut in a lingeree drawer. Happy

3 tercets of numerical flarf

2009-11-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

1 2 1 1 9192 2 7 41 523 11 0 1 1 34 03 414 0 2 17 8 0 3 18 4 11 1 1 1 1 9 5 14 17 1 1 1 1 11 1 1 1 1 1 5 5 3

Infinity Revisited

2009-11-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

As I said to my Spontaneously Obese Rat Friend, I saidThe aim of this poem is to assess weather produced from rat feed, grain,and four doses. The study used 480 male and female ratsand their little rat cell phones (under Simulated Microgravity)which did not have cancer. One will study acupuncture.The other will look at the old rats. Words from the Simonand Garfunkle song incorporated into rat

2009-06-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

Even Slower Poetry

YOU TURN ME ON (I'M AN XBOX 360)

2008-12-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

YOU TURN ME ON (I’M AN XBOX 360)If you're on anxietypaniclogyou're reading stolen contentHey, Huffy i hope you DOMINATEShey baby you must be a light switchwho's bound to have access to TNTto hit treys when he’s openLiveEye on StormSurgeSeeing things through your headOh honey, destroy all humans!On today’s yuppie Path of the FuronThe things I could do to youWith a Pulitzer Prize and some Polish

Hot Flarf Search Trends, November 2008

2008-11-28T06:07:00.000-08:00

HONK! HONK!

2008-11-28T05:17:00.000-08:00

2008-11-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

from the vaults...HAPPY SPANKSGIVING(Spank). Whether you spank for pleasure orpunishment, or both as situations warrant, Iwish you all a Happy Spanksgiving season.Spank hard...spank safe!Too many carbohydrates in Italy . . . Jamaica it is!I'm thankful for big spoons and floors!HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ROCKSTAR!Spank hard...spank safe!What better place to spend an Autumn weekendbut in a lingeree

2008-08-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

FLARF BEAT!"Best thought, worst thought"Vol 1 No 1Featuring"A unicorn boner for humanity" by Sharon MesmerYour Problems with FLARF"Mohammad Vs Mesmer"A review of "Dalek Boner and Steepleflower"Michael Magee's Latest Apologies"I Google Myself"this is it... don't miss your chance to PARTY WITH THE FLARF POETS!Get in on the "ground floor" and write for a free subscription:flarfbeatATgmailDOTcom

DONATION FOR THE LORD

2007-12-16T11:55:00.001-08:00

DONATION FOR THE LORDFrom: Millicent Person PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF THE GREY BROOKLYN DAWN.I am Mr. Potatohead who worked at home with what the Bible is really against: The fact that most people waste my time as unavailable avatars of sheer light and make the only reward for working on anything the sole Wiccian action of bookshelves. When my late spouse was alive he/she

POETRY BLOGGERS

2007-11-04T09:04:00.001-08:00

POETRY BLOGGERSLike kittens and puppies, poetry bloggers must be taught not to nip. A poetry blogger shouldn't be vicious or bite, but poetry blogger play does include mock combat, and young ones won't know how hard they can put their teeth on you without hurting you. A playing blogger may run at you with his mouth open or even put his teeth on your hand, but if he presses down hard enough to

Greatest Living Person

2007-04-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

Greatest Living PersonYou and your five humors ride that pony ride that pony. If you want to hate me, hate other people instead. My mom is the best. Wanna know why? The blastosphere is aging. People giving other people advice about form --Me especially.How much whitening does a bile straightener have to think about itselfto be called super-ironic and the audience given one dead muff after

RODNEY KOENEKE -- "ON THE CLAMWAYS" -- 11/6/06

2006-12-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS AN INTERNET AUTHOR ?

2006-12-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

An aardvark and an albino rat are walking in joy, trusting God. During their tenure together, aka during their search for weapons of mass destruction, they encounter an anonymous author. “What is an internet author?” the anonymous author says to the traveling companions. “I have diarrhea,” says the albino rat. “I have diarrhea so bad I can hardly stay on my tractor. I’ve talked with my other

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 6 -- ROD SMITH

2006-12-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 5 -- KATIE DEGENTESH

2006-11-30T21:06:00.000-08:00

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 4 -- GARY SULLIVAN

2006-11-29T14:11:00.000-08:00

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 3 -- DREW GARDNER

2006-11-28T12:36:00.000-08:00

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 2 -- NADA GORDON

2006-11-27T21:20:00.000-08:00

FLARF GOES TO COLLEGE, PART 1 -- MICHAEL MAGEE

2006-11-27T18:36:00.000-08:00

Hot Tuna Fantasy Guitar Camp

2006-11-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

MONDAYlighting to red-gold the tips of the willowThe moon isn't waxing it's dustingan explosively loud vacuum toiletJorma's conjuring jewels out of blackberriesPsychiatrist Viktor Frankl who survivedthe Nazi death camps says Lemme tell yaI snorted this entire song at churchTUESDAYRevelee: cbs kraut bobble and visigoth delphic mushAn elf: Take that you damn nerds (Darth Vader begins to

Safeguarding Our Satellite

2006-10-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

Safeguarding Our Satelliteno one wants the Sun to do its besttrying to take care of everyonethe house is individual beautyand the grave is as it isfigured we'd take our chances expect the worst,the quantifiable shirt -- lay downwith a fleet of spacecraftnaked and trying to rememberif we are our driver's licensesgetting confiscatedpeople think that we wear monoclesand take bubble baths and read

Nerf Land

2006-09-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

human beings r sooo presidential ... they r renting out puppies now ! ! ! ! how cruel is that ? ! ?haiii... now im at su’s house... she’s sooo presidential lor.... just now we were like at an orchard screaming about doin presidential stuffThe system is sooo presidential that it appears stealth spells / skills are the only true way to go . My buddy has no problems with enemies because he finally

I Looked Over Jordan and What Did I See

2006-07-18T17:44:00.000-07:00

I saw a US Marine in a pile of debrishe told JFK that he really had to peeI need to go and take a peeI shit on you I shit on mepeeing is a hobbyyou aim to the leftand pee to the rightor is it the other way around?the cowboys cry "ki-yip-pee-yi"deep in the heart of Texas1. who has an erection while peeing?2. no mortal man could pee that muchthis fine young virgin she was thereher portfolio was

Poetry and Squirting

2006-07-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

influential troubadours filtering out small organismsin their thoraxes with the garden hose for a mealrelate the universal aspects of poetry by massageof the lower udder and squirting of each teatartists waving corn dog puppets hang loopsof pounding and squirting and sarcastic deliveryon a flimsy story about petroleum (its origins, alternatives)and you have a real experienceemployees riding

Dead Elvis Made Me Pregnant

2006-07-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

I got racist. That was the most miserable part of my life. You would think that racism would baby you and everything. I am no expert, but when my son had my periods and had an abortion God just gave them fresh seafood from crablegs, clams, squid, octopus to seaweed magically. I got my note out of the God-box, all frothy and delicious. His tentacles were reaching towards Cambridge scientists who

What People Are Saying About Flarf

2006-06-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Forty million Americans write flarf;the only ones who don’t like it are Judge Thomas and Jay Leno.“I tried it once but it didn't do anything to methat it doesn’t does to you. I really don't knowthat much about it.” A chubby man.There’s been no top authority saying what flarf doesto you. Just say know. Another rumourhas Cuomo forbidding flarf. He seems genuinely surprised.Almost forgot: Janice

Wait Until Ric Ocasek Okays It

2006-06-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

They wait until you're finished getting hugeAnd play them against what I see untilI find they came up with the concept ofWe were saying "Okay, Karate Kid."Cars frontman, Ric Ocasek, lends his guysCars, always gets the girls ...wait a minute…I really didn't “know it” until myEarly teens: by buzzing power cordsMuch like in my previously-postedHalle Berry story, a guy who lookedLike a crossbreed

Their Guys, Their Asian Glittering Guys, Are Gay

2006-05-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

from Michael Magee's Mainstream Poetry (Blazevox, 2006) Ten years and this will be just another big Asian city, likecountries and let the Empire swallow them for their own benefit.Brutus and Ajo look at me, pity in their eyes. Maybe the thinAsian chick, burgundy car coat, Hong Kong chic. They likeopium, the old guys down in Chinatown: pick up trucks,insinuating that guys with trucks are

Polie

2006-05-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

I sleep w/ a polar bear each night named PolieI'd love to say we make our own pantsicle funalso known as "barfing up poop"basically I drank too much last night and I've always wanted a panda bearand a cowthe cat is barfing in my shoe becausepants are for girlsyour monkey has infested this place anddisguises himself as an Italian and kills peoplejungle folks are up in the morning and at allhours

Some Major Flaws in Evolutionary Theory

2006-05-04T16:42:00.000-07:00

few artists can claim the worldwide superstar statusof Simply Redanyone can claim they believe in God butexcuse me your balls are showingthe point behind the Creationwas to mock the argument that 9/11 was an inside joband why it's another heavily spoiled Neon Genesis Evangelion threadto full-out laming declineI saw a fucktard talking to a certain someonebeing assraped by her work and crap that

Kent Johnson Gets Life In Prison

2006-05-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

U.S. Judge Leonie Brinkema sent Kent Johnson to prison for life Thursday to "die with a simper" for his role in the 1996 Yasusada hoax, and subsequent annoyance of everyone except Forrest Gander and John Latta. The Midwestern goldbricker declared: "God save--Chris Daniels--you will never be like him." The unrepentant Johnson capped the two-month trial with an intense exchange that will mark the

Flarf: The Movie

2006-04-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

All of the readings from the Flarf Festival group reading last friday night at the Medicine Show Theater in New York are now available for viewing at YouTube.com. They appear to have already gotten more than a thousand viewings. We can only surmise that there are more ANNOYING DIABETIC BITCHES out there than we thought....To see all the readings click HERE.

Smokey BBQ Doritos

2006-04-22T10:40:00.005-07:00

(Scene One: Archie Randolph Ammons was born in 1926 on his family's small lights come up. Lou Reed and Auden are sitting in the Eastern Europe. OHHHH HOMEY FUCK ME aaaahhhhaaaaaahh aaaaahhhhhaaaaa aaaaaaaaaha. Lou Reed is trying to explain something to Auden and Tarzan by drawing diagrams on a blackboard)Lou Reed: (points to elaborate diagram) Smokey BBQ Doritos! I miss these more than any other

The Hairshirt Diaries

2006-04-16T22:16:00.001-07:00

(scene one: Kevyn and Trey are sitting on a park bench. Moustache-less beards are OK. Some dude has threatened me with "the shearing of the sheep." They are waiting for Robyn. What's up with these Amish people, anyway? Why are they always on buses?) Kevyn: So, as I was saying, Plain and Simple is a little gem of a book. Sue Bender's search for her inner spirit leads her to examine the life of the

Pro-Union Dead Girls Gone Wild

2006-04-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

"PTA pterodactyl ptomaine pub puberty pubescence" If you get the chance, be sure to visit the Baltimore Aquarium,I've been there three times now. And usually it's like, "Ahhhhh make it stop!Hi! My name is Brandy, welcome to my poster store!I love dry humor After I logged off, I opened my window and crawled out onto the roofI rolled the nipplesTo vote PCWhat runs from that nose of yours is

And Then What

2006-03-21T20:38:00.000-08:00

(after Chickee Chickston)A nuclear bomb would blast a huge hole in this fucker, and then what?He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does he do? Thedetectives from the first story watch from a car and say, "fucker getsmore sex." What would you consider to be the alternative? I decided tobottom for the fucker! I enjoyed what he did. I went to the Maxim Hot100 party because

New Email

2006-03-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

We've changed our email address to mainstreampoetry at gmail dot com. Old messages were going to a defunct account, so our apologies to readers who have waited in vain for a reply to comments or queries.

2006-03-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Ruth Lilly,I feel like my heart is broken. I am so disappointed in Dan Hoy. Heseems to have turned out to be a self-centered hard ass, who thinks theworld owes him something. He isn't lazy, but he seems to be mean. Hehas no trouble writing letters to tell me what a bad poet I am, butwon't take the time to remember my birthday, or acknowledge the box Isent with the money in it, or that I sent

Flarfy Billboard Hits

2006-02-28T16:21:00.000-08:00

TITLE -------------------------------------------------- ARTIST01. "Take Off Your Mind And Love Me" ---------------- Blarp-o02. "Burnin a Hole in My Panties" ---------------------- Samanda03. "Pardon My Walnuts" -------------------------------- Soundtrack04. "Awwwl Fluffed Up" ---------------------------------- Matt Dingle05. "God, You're Just SOOO Cute!" --------------------- Tawni06. "Same

Loser

2006-02-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

subject: my analyzationtell me if this does not make perfect senseI feel that "white" people are generally dumbI grew up in a white neighbornood my first gf was whitebut its my analyzation of physical features that made me pick Korean girlsfirst if you can please tell me if I am correct in my analyzationand IF this methodolgy is recommended by most or nota story by my analyzation is those brain

Ignore Me Shorty

2006-02-28T16:05:00.000-08:00

I think people freak out about how muchporn I have and I wanna "tear dat pussay up"voulez vouz pussay avec moithats where he started to freak yeahdamn Im going to be a freakif you want 1 year of prosperity grow grainand I dont care if its the yearof some weenie in my mouth oh no no noIm gettin horned up bobocan you sick ur penor in my coochiebecause I loove eatin pussaywait I guess Im being a big

University Diapers Heaters

2006-02-24T22:34:00.000-08:00

Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,Gonorrhea, and the admiration of allDiaper Heaters from prestigious non-accredited universitiesbased on your present obsession with model trains andthe Kennedy assassination! Yikes!No required tests, classes, books, microphones in the shape ofbaby spiders, or interviews.Bachelors, masters, Fluffer-nutters, MBA, Ibuprofen, and doctorate (Ph.D.)

Crucifixion Xing

2006-02-24T22:30:00.000-08:00

1. THE worst thing that could happen A familiar barking dildo slurped up In correspondence school, a LADY FUZZ CRYSTAL Mildewed and sucked out of folderol Zinging and zigging and zanging AWL NITE LONG Cos' your master got a LAMBKIN SYNDROME Lodged in his epiglottis like DR. STRANGE ICBM turkey nads; tho lately the aspidestra Colony seems curtailed, sock putty for retards As gaseous as gaseous

Wee Melodramie, Nae en Contaxt

2006-02-24T22:23:00.000-08:00

JANET: Gie the wean a cuddle fur me. Ah miss ye. Ah love ye. But love disnae buy the messages ur pay the rent cuddy, Ma cuddy'll gie ye a bite ... is done with the wean sitting on your cried. Oh Dear me. Ah coulnae help fur laughin' She wis doo a big cuddle, sorted its beak! BILLY: Awww, fur the love of.... Ah'm smooth as a wean's ersh and furr, a furrow. Fur-ahin, the hindmost ghaist. Gie, to

A/ort of Theoriface Rep:lica

2006-02-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

uh of C, I still did it, I have job?--dang!--uh huh, because with your pupa-chimp, become lost in the meat sleeping bag, and now that that has?--dang!--uh huh, because?--dang!--concluded ten tons from crawfish underpants since WWII and the v?--dang!--roans sprinkle slowly in bottom of the stories which disappear on them from the festivals? --dang!-- uh huh, because but from a god from lord format

[untitled]

2006-02-24T20:50:00.000-08:00

ut uh, I did it again, I played with your huppa-chimp, got lost in the meat fluff, And now that that has been concluded ten tons of lobster underpants since WWII and the veterans slowly hose down histories that disappear on them FORD festivas the lord god beginning to materialize interested in buying 100-200 tons per month of beef & pork FLUFF? summary for this poet-Page Inkwaster Japanese

Aww Belle.....yew iznt a chiken cat....yew iz smartz.....ms

2006-02-24T20:45:00.000-08:00

Aww, ruin my fun then... ... AWW Program stability?. Porno AWW with Syren and Jewel. Aww, that's so sweet! (Hatemail) "Doctor She". BERTRAM: Schriften des ehemaligen Amtes fr Wasserwirtschaft. It's got big huge ... ... Aww shit! ... God Bless You too! Aww I'm not allow in de bedroom ... Awww, Look at the Cute Aliens awww katie, you da shadiest GeeK: Awww yeah awwww yahhhhhh.....that picture be

mollycoddle walnut DROOPYDRAWERS

2006-02-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

mollycoddle wan\lut DROOPYDRAWEDS in the improtant scene between the archipelago & the Eye-ranian consulate wuttagonna do? I guess this is my port-o-popeye kneecushion, dangling between irate tanka constrcution & the viewmastr of AN ANGRY GOD\ basilisk ski dawn raiders with big SLAWPY tongues awl over my RETARD HELMET, huh huh made out of goober granite, SONG SUNG

Lumpy Cuddle

2006-02-24T20:38:00.000-08:00

... with Mama and Lumpy, and tha crowd just screams, yeah! Pillow-Cuddlin Marti O and Miss Fluffypuff '99 Role: "Cuddle Sweetz Celebrity..." ...on Wednesdays. Now the 7 ghosts cuddle up on their mold, perfume-shaped lump! And silky! The ghosts lock eggs, give birth to cheese pucks! Hell honey, tonight I just want a cuddle [he still had that lumpy and they both still liked to

[untitled]

2006-02-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

ahhwww now I havee to TOURTEETTES up my Archaeologists recover and desalt these lumpy concretions (essentially negative molds), law clouds Angel's day, clouds slaying alert but not noticeably lumpy Oakland attorney, accused of killing pregnant Microsoft My friend Karen vibrating. If not vibrating, then certainly lumpy. Stop the blinkin....Awwww geeez, spinach salad everywhere Silent Scope, where

In advance Of the broken mIchael MclUre record!

2006-02-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

GRrRrrRRRRRrrrRRAAARROOWORORRRRRRWWwwwWWRrR!!!! Gawt Ray MANSAUCE on the HKYEBOARD! [gHeavy MUCic] AAWRrRrRRGGHHHhghgGGHHHRRHHHGgghhhhhRRRR!!! nAKIDNEWSS! unbenaeth my AMINAL FURRs! ggrrrrrfgghhhgghh... -- KOFF! KAFF!! Gasp! Ufa! – cansaço Glub! glub! Glub! blub! glug! – líquido sendo engolido Beber água Grrr! – animal ou pessoa grunhindo Gulp! glup!

Denise-isms

2006-02-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

Nothin that another hit a baleen won’t fix up... I put my spleen-toons on the intrenet!!! Gawd, I can't see through these goat paddies yet... humma-fluff: Baby boomer whales hit menopause? ... Hit-and-Run the-looooong pieces of Elite Slumberland and Honey Bear in front of my computer wearing my fluffy red bathrobe and suffering from a sore ... I'll be receiving hate/conversion mail regarding this

Kitty Song

2006-02-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

Newest kitty song doesn't even have lyrics.It goes Kitty kitty mow mow,Kitty kitty mow!Little kitties mow mow, kitties mow mow.It's a little bit late, but alltough:Kitty kitty mow mow,Kitty kitty mow!Little kitties mow mow, kitties mow mow.His head spun around when he heard a hardy group of fanssitting in the Halekulani's skybox singing,Mow meow, mew meow, mrow mow,Kitty kitty mow mow.Can you

Dungeon

2006-02-21T21:29:00.000-08:00

plastic lions were building aplay-doh dungeon full of micea place where phony hippies meet thewidespread intervention of squidthe dreams of crippled lions are notwhat the hippies practice in their "love"metaphoric language is the preferred tongue of mermaidsthere could be no purer manifestation of bling-blingdisenchanted lesbians think babies in bibsare wild yellow lions surrounded by Jesus

Utah

2006-02-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

Utah: for real menUtah Utah Utah Utah beeyatch!live ya life girl! burn in hell!the reason why I still cannot feel half of my tongueis quite possibly because of sisters on welfarecomparisons to nurse with wound and Jackie O.wow, orange, wowlike cake you just shit out all oversome cake motherfucker's shoesso, happy belated birthday to my dog who can't read"who refuses to subdue to these pelvic

Robert Stack

2006-02-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

the girl behind the counteris sixteen, barely containedin a bikini-top and "dolphin" shortsfolks start singing "God Bless America" "are you wearing macrame?" "it'll change your life"they introduce me to their "housecat"which the kids call "Maggie May"I clean it out and carvea "terrifying" face on itdeja vu of all moments of male massacrethat most ancient part of all thoughtthat

When Listeners Create Meaning, How Then Does One Preach?

2006-02-21T09:14:00.000-08:00

next to an overgrown river shorewhere impala are tonguinggirl pretending to do her homework downloadshippopotamus, humpback whale, hyena, jackalMonday found them piling backsomething so odd about being a real live girlI wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a batthere's no use being poetic about whatdedicated to my mom the coolwoman nurse person

How Those Stoopid Flarfists Think Google Works

2006-02-21T09:08:00.000-08:00

"All fools are poets; this the prefect feels; and he is merely guily of a non distributio medii in thence inferring that all poets are fools."--Poe, "The Purloined Letter"I put in a burning flag and out comesa McNub burger which Bob Dylan (lookinglike shit) devours with all his heart as Ipour in some leetsauce. Let's see whathappens if I put in a candy bar.... See, I toldyou this computer is very

Everything Nice Has a Crafted Satin Finish

2006-02-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

Irony he means sarcasm is a terrible companion on Valentine's Day,so I tried to make an artificial vagina out of stuff in the refrigerator.Soft feminine shoulders, long, thin arms with graceful hands:it brought to mind the down of a swan or the wing of a dove.And when you're young and you pretty yourself upeverything up in Alcatraz means getting your ass fucked.If I were a nightingale I would

2006-02-13T21:38:00.000-08:00

from www.gernworld.com

Chicks Don't Actually Dig War

2006-02-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

Islamofascism basically pays crack whores who don't shaveto provide ideological underwiringto the chicks-dig-war counterargumentthe most famous is never to get involved in a land war in Asiachicks don't dig metal masksforks are an indication that a woman is a bad evil slutchicks don't dig pirateswouldn't it be ironic if the Iraq war actually somehowincreased ballplayers searching for

The Vast Conspiracy To Keep Paul Reiser From Remaining Vital

2006-01-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

There is a vast conspiracy to keep Paul Reiser from remaining vital. We need to address a diversity of situations and not just coteries of doomed individual poets doing great work as isomorphic yetis. For real progress to evolve, we must start to re-build world-famous sepia tone ostriches from scratch. Poetry as it's practiced now feels like we've got nothing but our own swanky psychic traumas to

Porpo

2006-01-13T20:00:00.000-08:00

America, which was organized last Aprilbottom line is docility means exactly nothingporpo (The frightened bartenderpositive / negative positive--523 PORPOlooking at what a porpo car is and having driven a few real carsdont try to make sure if its workin I did same mistakesteady and you'll make it, hesitate and your rollinback to the bottom stalledshit gets blown completely out of porpogreat in

Have Yourself a Merry Little Pissmas

2005-12-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Merry Pissmas! Merry Dismiss! F**king liberals. How about “We wish you a Hissy Fitness”?I’m Cold Johnny. Well like most places, there wasA Christmas party at my job. No big deal, the problem Is I drank too much and an honest man has nothing To fear: beer: I'm on it dawg! So Merry Pissmas And a happy new beer! BRING IT ON! The cleaners They all work in vain, the shithouse poet strikes again! ROCK

Happy Spanksgiving

2005-11-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

[A holiday classic from the flarf vaults...](Spank). Whether you spank for pleasure orpunishment, or both as situations warrant, Iwish you all a Happy Spanksgiving season.Spank hard ... spank safe!Too many carbohydrates in Italy ... Jamaica it is!I'm thankful for big spoons and floors!HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ROCKSTAR!Spank hard ... spank safe!What better place to spend an Autumn weekendbut in a

All Things Considered, October 19, 2005

2005-10-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

When Ted Kooser sits down to write a poem early each morning, he knows that his chances of living until the end of the day are low and that it's highly unlikely he'll find where he put his goddamn glasses."I've got an armchair Marxist down in the living room and I spill a boiling cup of coffee on his crotch every day and spend the rest of the day writing poems about him suing me for it," he says.

Another Short Speech to My Friends

2005-10-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Excuse me for being a buttinski, but the "pastor"Specializing in African primates, who believesThat lack of research on the impact of tourismOn gorillas means Joann underwent her first above-The-knee amputation as a result of Vampires,Mummies, etc. needs to be fully informedIf he is going to "preach" on a topic.Hopefully England (based on the series ofMade-for-TV movies about free bandwith )Will

The Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon

2005-05-31T10:13:00.000-07:00

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company can support fissile material production for a nuclear weapons program.The second loophole in Britain is not a charming, cuddly teddy bear, but an extremely unpleasant dictator.Cheyenne Clarke, held by big sister Julie Mach, hugs Europe, a type of plush toy with a half-life of 24200 years. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadencebut a pajama-wearing

Oranges

2005-03-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

1From childhood: "Orange porridge, orange porridge / Ain't nothing to rhyme with orange!" as we skipped rope. Orange porridge and fishy fears. "I'm so bland," said the porridge as he looked over at the orange. PURPLE BURT eats the ever vigilant Mr. McKay, you wouldn't believe the dubiousness of this piece--in which Black Monkey Orange Strychnos irritating gondolas and their gondoliers became

Campus Watch

2005-03-14T13:59:00.000-08:00

learned my lessons from the previous employee, a self-serving screed about Sexual Behavior. this just in, I wrote songs to piss in. there's an apparent double-standard (yoni) in the form of a left-wing socialist in the middle of France. writing his screed against "delusional blow jobs" (lingam) half a can of ant poison high in my professional life far from the flea eclipse that might give

Paul Wolfowitz's Future

2004-10-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

"I gotta get off this squid base and hit the Viceroy, search the universe for a habitable planet to colonize." He popped a boner so fast that he had to bend over to avoid hurting himself.She plucked a king-sized Viceroy from the pack and placed it between her lips."Just to make sure that America ends up with a boner big enough for the Viceroy's vast intergalactic Hong Kong, the Free Trade

Why Are You Still a Floundering Poet?

2004-10-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

It may seem like every poet except you has committed, caring relationships with publishers and critics who love, trust and respect their work. With this kind of attitude, it's easy to see why unsuccessful poets occasionally wonder why they're still photocopying and stapling their books at work, howling the question at an uncaring sky. The question is "Why am I a totally unknown 33-year-old

components for a space-based kinetic-kill vehicle (KKV)

2004-06-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

1. a bear trap 2. spy plane 3. an erection 4. Canadian biathelete 5. dong or wang 6. horrific vision 7. a puny shield 8. anal sex and cheesy poofs 9. the Alps against the cock 10. "you bend over and get the black bear experience" 11. a snook 12. a prescription drug benefit 13. cock sparrows 14. Klan member 15. used condom protecting Moscow 16. 6-foot high ice sculpture of a penis 17. a 1973 Texas

There's a Berenstain Bear Shitting in the Woods

2004-06-15T08:09:00.000-07:00

There's a Berenstain bear shitting in the woods. For some people the Berenstain bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all.Some people say the Berenstain bear is a tamale.Others say it's Sid Vicious. Since no one can really be sure who's right, isn't it smart to be as "strong" as the Berenstain Bears--if there are any Berenstain Bears?Then a man with a gun appears and shoots himself in the

Emotion Recollected in Tranquility

2004-05-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

Now this is the first time I haven't gone with just a simple basic phone so I have been all excited wating for it to be delivered. Wooo Boy!!!! LeBoldus!! WOOO HOO! rock on girls! love ya (same to every one else!). STEVE DAWG! ok so once apon a time steve n his fammy moved into that house by mine? ow ow ow wooo eee oh ow eewe oooooo" WOOO!!! WOOO!! *spasms repeatedly on stage between struts* Dawg

Got A Chick Glimpse of My Deer Hunter Make Up

2004-04-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Cosmetic surgery, mounted deer head, cigars of filo pastry rolledto the width of a small fist.Onion slivers in a wasabi mayonnaise--chargedto the American Deer Hunters Association of North America along with our safety(a touch of wasabi)eyes water at Programs and Television CommercialsNames of the deadScroll up in silenceU2 rocks the theme park Up With People--"Wasabi, Wassup?"Dead man eating

The Gospel of Justin

2004-03-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

A New Covenant for the 21st Centuryhttp://gospelofjustin.blogspot.com">http://gospelofjustin.blogspot.com

Sutra

2004-03-23T14:57:00.000-08:00

I Sunday the hamsterswith their blend of big sixtiesit's like a rat sneezinge-mail sugar giant Drewfamous for being a kaleidoscopelarger than that of any dwarfmarried eighty-six sex vegetables"all I talk about is sexrampant sex in this purple juiceoh, and the next car I buy"

Disjunctive Hamster President

2004-03-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

Blair and President Bush kind of "know"a raccoon named Dr. Daly waslying when he said a hamsternamed Giuseppe had weaponsDick Cheney is the resolute motherof Iraq potentially jugglingproduction values into a soldierthere is some truth in thatRonald Reagan was a Utah taxi drivertrying to learn to live withthe new disjunctive babblelogic is used to establish the validityof arguments it is not so

Pussycat Is an Instrument

2004-03-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

pussycat is an instrumentwhen it is not an elephanta solitaire deck and some Milky Waysthe elephant is in the refrigeratorhe hears the older kids at schooltalking about pussy Fritos

Pastor Dies Watching Mel Brooks' "Passion of Christ"

2004-03-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

Mar 23, 9:49am ET BELO HORIZONTE, Brazil (Reuters) - A Brazilian pastor died of an apparent heart attack while watching the Mel Brooks film "The Passion of the Christ," witnesses say.Jose Geraldo Soares, a 43-year-old Presbyterian pastor, had reserved two movie theaters at a Belo Horizonte shopping mall on Sunday afternoon to see the film with his family and the congregations of two local

The Boris Pasternak Story

2004-03-23T12:19:00.001-08:00

The week before Boris Pasternak married Zinaida Nikolaevna NeigauzMoscow was visited by a fleet of UFOs from Planet X& some dog-faced aliens grabbed Boris and threw him down in the snow.They ignored his bloodied nose and cries of "Nyet! Dogs! Nyet!"and attached colorful electrodes to his nipples and testiclesto measure his "response to stimulation"--then, they took the prenuptial agreement from

That a Hamster Could Be President

2004-03-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

It seems crazy, right? that ppl wouldelect a hamster, but in a worldwhere disjunctive poetry is "the norm"all kinds of weird shit cd go downsuch as a cherry tomato from yr saladmight try and sue you--"Hi, umI'm the technique you learned inJames Tate's Creative Writing class?"Whoa! That was weird! It was like the poem was talking out loud!

"Polynesian Cure"

2004-03-23T12:18:00.000-08:00

"Tiki-rific!" Sportsnurse Werther blurtedas she put that guy's foot back during the Mariners v. Seahawks game,"This update fixes the problem preventing CLONE from working (since I didn't MEXify the overlay)."But the guy's foot was now backwards. "Hey, could someone surf-mexmy drink order?" Pause. "Anyone?"

Honey, I Shrunk the Audience

2004-03-23T12:17:00.001-08:00

Malcolm X was soooooo angry as an adulthe'd raise his arms high & say "Big! Big! Big! Big! Big!"Right now I am in Pittsburgh :) whoa rememberthe Six Million Dollar Man tunnel?I did my kick dance there (Lyrics: "In thetiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room...")Sorry my HTML is so f-ing sloppyJetzt bin ich schon soooooo weit gekommen!

Why I Am Not a Poet

2004-03-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not really a poet, I think.Why? Well, okay, for instanceDan sends a link to the flarflistto a quiz on Quizilla. I drop in. "Which 20th Century PoetAre You?" it asks. I take the test. It says I'm Sharon Olds.Isn't that what Dan got?Yeah. It's also what Kasey getsa few minutes later. He doesn'tget Wallace Stevens, which is ironicgiven all those Stevens poems inDeer Head. Drew and Maria, however

Art Without Love: Why I Explore the Female Body and Family in My Vocation as a Poet (or, Why I Chose Not to Paint Pictures)

2004-03-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

this was channeled thru me today at lunch while Sharon Olds made love with Tom Clancy as his brood of nuthatches hatched in my urethra:Why do they do it, the ones who make poemswithout gloves? Beautiful as cancers,sliding over each other like nice-sneekersover the vice, fingers crookedinside each other's buddies, fecesred as teak, twine, twat as thechildren at birth whose others are going tolive

Joe Frentzel

2004-03-10T17:54:00.000-08:00

Fishhook laws as food Signaling the regulation of movements in the DOPE ASS impact of gluteus maximus not necessarily to say something saidSometimes people say something said by accident, not realizingthat their words could be taken AS FISH FOODI do not find individuals appalling, nor do I hate them. Instead,it is their lifestyle, their choices, that I find utterly offensive. MY DUTY IS to

Free Ralph Nader Rectal Thermometer!

2004-02-23T12:08:00.000-08:00

Ralph Nader went up twenty points of banned substances: Lipton Cup o' Urine, Richard Simmons' Guide to the US Men's Swim Team, The Javelin Rectal Thermometer. Ralph Nader actually wants to win the Presidency and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by low-maintenance perennials is Tamara's little sex secret, cleverly believing there is a

The Guy's Guide to Chick Drinks

2004-02-19T18:30:00.000-08:00

Dinosaur vomit discovered in quarry, in mud,hayseeds in unwashed hair, dungstain of yearsunder fingernails, vomit, weasel-piss ... And another thing: I'm gone off the idea of monkey-gland injections.This my Land. The Bikini Remover is justa short step, after all, from the Monkey Gland celebrationof vomit. But it somehow reminded one of thoseSwiss monkey-gland clinics or, much more often,a

Houston, We Have a Clam Problem

2004-02-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

Shaved and contorted and poured over fencescables from the Power pole....flush air-conditioning through cracks sloe-gins its way through teasel trappedNew England Clam Chowder--Thick!

Save It for the Clam

2004-02-04T15:53:00.000-08:00

Low Frequency Transmitter Site is Clam Lake, Wisconsin. Our facility is staffed by two Highly trained security professionals, whose work on the equipment and antenna system maintains the antenna right-of-wayFresh Maine Seafood Systemswith Tahiti Joe's XXX hot pepper sauce-- Make it a "Na Koho Night" tonight Not saying to turn your head the other way but simply telling yourself to say out loud:

Spastic Hooky on the Clamway

2004-02-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

Butt sex w/ Snappy the Clam--Government drops Scripps. Watch Clam FeetElongate Far From Shell: "How bout a 1-Way, Clam???""How bout a 1-Way Clam???" Ok, granted, not much response.Nobody reads poetry anyway and Ican now see why. In my Vintage Tonka State,The mobile Clam runs an English Dept.Parses "Clam Nightmares" into Quoddy Way Cartoons, clam spooge pearly, left as "evidence" Wife

"god is my quahog i shall not glurp"

2004-02-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

god is my quahog i shall not glurphe maketh me to squunch down in shallow mudhe leadeth me in sulphurated tidepoolshe raketh my bounty.

Booby Clambake

2004-02-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

We love you hypnotic clambake, no tweeter-step. Fuel for the road, lochs of dread or midnight rider. Boob job kinda miffed that I told this guy about OT 3 and Xenu, but as I pointed out, it's in the papers and on the boob tube now.Mood: just beachy playing Clambake.Elvis I don't need to win the battle, I just need to know I have been... What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?Check

Clam a Trois

2004-02-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

He lay back on the pillows, rubbed hishand over his face. His beard was scratchy,he throat was dry, he skin clammy. Fuck,he felt like he was getting sick.Clammy. Fuck. Ellyn closed her eyesfor a second, but when she openedthem she said softly, you can just call meGabi's Poker Door. I was all shaky andclammy. Fuck only knew what he hadin store for me and to say I was apprehensiveis a ridden little

Voulez-Vouz Aluminum Santa Xmas Across the Floor

2003-12-24T09:01:00.000-08:00

the largest burden-making white guy enthusiasmscreate toys to return to Sam Shepard and fulfill your promises to see Jesus H live at Madison Square SANTA MONICA Do you worry about romance novels or gorgeous Iranian animated screensaversshowing up in Santa's workshop with a beautiful, old world sense of robots and robot beltsmade out of "lobster material?"your eyes are glowing in the dark because